a whiny complaint post

so we started moving on tues, oct 1.

but before that i had an appointment w my gp-general practioner-who wants so badly for me to be insane.  it is his favorite thing to tell me, “i think alot of this is psychatric” and when we, my partner amy and i, explain to him that i am not responding irrationally to stimuli aside from it being painful in some cases, but i am not nuts, he dismisses us.  for the most part it feels like he is thinking about his response before he hears what we have to say.  i have a hard time with word recall and sometimes i get stuck on words so my speech pattern is broken.  instead of patiently waiting to let me finish the struggle to explain he cuts me off.  amy told him that i am falling down and that there are times i have spells of being incoherent.  he said that it sounds like a psychatric problem.  i think that is bullshit.  i go see the neurologist next month, so hopefully we will find some help there.

last summer my gp put me on chantix to quit smoking and i had a tremendous reaction to it.  it changed my brain chemistry radically.  i had been on a medication for quite sometime, but once i started the chantix i began having incredible reactions.  i stopped taking the chantix after 8 days.  but my reactions got worse and worse.  it ended up almost killing me.  i had medically induced parkinsons due to the medication and the radical change the chantix caused. i was releasing little to no dopamine.   i went from a fully aware and functioning woman to not having affect of emotion, no muscle tone, extremely diminished cognition, low sensory input, my arms were pulled up to my chest and i had tremors, my legs never stopped moving not even when i slept.  if you judged parkinsons on a 0-10 scale i was at an 8 in 3 months.  i was rapidly declining.  i went to my medical gp, the same one i am seeing now, and he said to talk to my psychatrist.  my psychatrist said talk to your gp.  after a couple of months of this dance, a lady i know asked what meds i was taking.  i told her and she said one of them slowed down the rate of dopamine released in the brain.  i went to my gp and psychatrist and they both said to stop taking the medication, but even after 2 months of not taking it, nothing changed, so it was time for the neurologist to intervene (and my neurologist is the nicest coolest guy in the world), he said it was parkinsons, but he had never seen parkinsons progress so rapidly.  he believed it was all a side effect of the medication that slowed the release of dopamine.  parkinsons is a neurological disorder caused by the brain’s dopamine levels becoming lower and lower until your body cannot function any longer.  for most ppl it takes 10-15 years to become severe, i went from 0-8 in 3 months.  i was dying-literally.  my gp insisted i needed psychatric help and most importantly talk therapy.  yes talk therapy to help with my psychatric problem that was really a neurological issue that was killing me.  so excuse me for not taking his almighty word on the whole deal!  especially since he will not listen to what i am saying, the words i and my partner are using.  he has his response planned and completely articulated before i am half done describing things that are happening to my body.  but despite how i can rationalize that he is not listening and has been very very wrong in the past, it is never easy having a medical professional tell you that you are delusional and insane.  it is hurtful and i can’t help but wonder if he is right, and there is some mental disorder that causes nausea, vomiting, pain, high blood pressure, weakness, one-sided numbness, confusion, inability to use verbal speech, exhaustion, positive mononucleosis, thyroid instability, visual issues, feeling as though my skin has been removed and put on a hot skillet gooey side down, passing out, falling down, vertigo, swollen lymph glands, and occasionally not being able to move my limbs.  i don’t know all mental disorders…i don’t have the dsm memorized but i have never heard of one that causes such a wide range of symptoms.

so after the dr appointment it was time to kick it in high gear and move-which sucks!  i hate moving!  but we lucked out!  our best family friends moved into a new house this summer.  it was a family home, and they were going to sale their old house.  i asked if we could rent it, and they really wanted to sell-not be responsible for it, which makes total sense to me.  but mortgage is still due and it was becoming difficult.  so they came and told us if we wanted to rent we could!  sweet deal!!!  not only is the rent cheaper, there is more space and there is a height chart where the kids grew up.  my son’s girlfriend’s name in several places on a door frame marking how tall she was on what day!  we are paying a bit extra for a “house upkeep”  fund so that our friends aren’t totally responsible financially.

so we got everything outta the old house, and everything into the new house.  i have the kitchen (my most entrigal part of the house) put together, and made baked ziti in my new stove!  the living room is put together and some of our art is up!  the bookcases are almost done-i am very particular about our books, there are some books that don’t play nice with other books.  ted and eli, our oldest son, share a room with majin buu the guinea pig.  jeff our middle son has his own room as does sam our baby!  oliva the avocado tree and mother jo and vera jo (the aloe plants) are living in our room right now.  we have 6 rose bushes, 4 lilac bushes, wisteria all over the northwest fence and honey suckle on the northeast fence!  our yard will be a fragrant wonderland come spring!  the only walls in the house that are white are the ones in the bathroom and most of that is tiled black and white.  our house is full of color and good feelings!  we have enough room to house our friends from out of town or  anyone who comes knocking on the door needing to sleep it off!  liger the american bulldog is quite content but zolenut the cat is having a hard time accepting change.

hopefully we will be out of boxes by saturday and all the artwork will be properly displayed!  but jeff insist the poster of johnny cash flipping off the camera not be in the living room-which makes me a bit sad….


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