highschool all over again

i remember high school vividly, despite the large quantity of drugs and alcohol i consumed.  i have some fond memories, like some of my teachers were super nice and i loved learning.  the learning was great!  looking at the inside of a dead cat was cool!  being exposed to some really good literature was good!  but socially school sucked!  not a little but a whole lot!

i had a few friends.  they were good ppl and i love them still to this day!  as a matter of fact, i talk to them on a semi-regular basis.  but they were few and far between.

i was a punk rock kid, a nerd, and a loudmouth.  there were other punks, skaters, new wavers, hipster kids at my school.  there was a group of punk kids who hung out together, and boy did i think they were the coolest ppl in the world!  but they hated me.  they tormented me and made me the butt of their jokes on a daily basis.  a few of them lived in my neighborhood.  there was a guy named jonas who lived on this little side street that was right off a pretty busy street.  he was one of the coolest of the cools, a pretty boy who played guitar and did alot of acid.  i would go down his street bc at the end there was a little wooded area and i would smoke weed back there.  but if there was a blue vw bug with a red stripe of a few other cars i had to find another place to smoke.  i learned that by thinking i could just walk past and they would not notice, but instead of just letting me walk through they ran after me and threw rocks at me.  once while waiting in line in the student center the cool ppl came up and spit on me-all of them- in my hair, my face my eyes.  i will never forget how that felt.  all this eased up when ted interjected on my behalf.  he was a gnarly 6 ft 4.5 inch fella and he was the king of punk rock.   another thing that happened was i met bands from different parts of tx and they would come and play shows, sometimes at this coffee shop i hung out in and sometimes at my house.  the kids who tortured me would show up at my house and drink my beer and do my dope.  i didn’t have enough self esteem really to do anything about it.

i am now 37 years old.  i have a family and i have many friends, the majority of whom live scattered across the globe.  locally, i live in the same atmosphere i did in high school.  but these are not over-privileged white teenage males and their groupies.  the cool kids are really adults who systematically and with forethought alienate and debase me on a regular basis.  they are ppl who are considered good ppl, they are ppl who i have done social work with, they are well read, articulate ppl.  they are ppl i have given my last $40 bucks to bc they needed help, that have walked into my home and eaten the food i cooked.  they say horrendous things about me, accusing me of some of the lowest, most inhumane things a person can be accused of, knowing full well that what they are saying isn’t true. it is not misunderstood telephone rumors.  the ring leader of this whole deal is a woman who knows she is telling ppl lies based on something that other ppl did.  she maliciously rewrote history and distributed throughout the town.  i have been shunned.

most days i try not to think about it.  i stay in my house.  when i do venture out into the real world i keep my mouth shut.  i no longer introduce myself to ppl bc i have no idea what they have heard about me.  going grocery shopping is something that i tend to avoid bc you really can’t get away without running into someone that you know.  and i have kept my head on my shoulders, thinking that well, i have a few friends.  there are a couple of ppl who like me.  but sometimes  the glass is too full and the sludge spills out!

last night i was trolling around on facebook, and i noticed several of my friends were “going” to an open mic night.  a poetry night at a local bakery that just opened.  i had no idea that this event was going on!  even though several of my friends went, and it was an open event, i didn’t get invited.  it wasn’t even mentioned.  i like poetry and prose.  i like coffee and gluten free muffins.

amy tried to turn my frown upsidedown by telling me that the woman who is at the crux of the social nonsense was probably going, and that is why i wasn’t invited.  and she was going, i couldn’t help but look at the page and scroll through the 90+ ppl that were invited out to this event.  and even though i would not have gone, it hurts me very badly that i was not invited.  it was not even mentioned.

i would rather be spit on.

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