today is one of those days i wish i could remove my skin. clothes are so painful. sitting down is painful. lying down is painful. standing up painful. i can feel every fiber in the shirt i am wearing. i will have to go and find another one as soon as amy wakes up. i can’t stand this all day. it feels like burlap but it is really a nice cotton shirt. the weather is cooling off which means more skin to cover up with fabrics that feel like sand paper. i used to love the fall when i could wear sweatpants or lounge pants all day, but i loathe it now. the same clothing that used to give me so much comfort feels like it is cutting me to the bone. i wish i could just take my skin off and hang it up somewhere, maybe in a closet.
i accidentally spilled coffee all over myself this morning. that happens when you have weakness and trembling. i could feel the wet spot on my shirt and shorts, but it didn’t feel wet, it just felt like cutting pain in precisely the places where my clothes were wet. now i am in dry clothes but those spots still hurt.
i get so tired of this! so fed up! i wake up every hour and a half bc my body is in usch pain. sometimes it is bad enough that i wake up screaming, sometimes i wake up and have to vomit. but i never sleep more than an hour and a half at a time.
i am exhausted. every step takes so much effort. i have to decide if what i need to get up and do is worth the expense of getting up and doing it. how does this rank in importance? wash dishes ranks pretty low, and i won’t get up to do that but i will do it if i am already up. someone bleeding usually is pretty high on the list of priorities and i can generally muster up the will to move for that. using the restroom falls somewhere in between the two and i can put that off until i absolutely must get up and go. every movement has a priority. that is what happens when you hurt so badly.
i am in a pretty piss poor mood, and i have already been on the brink of saying just anything that crosses my mind, which is not great bc generally it is not even what i really feel, it’s just gut reaction to a situation. and right now my gut reactions aren’t all that fab or reliable. i am hoping that i will have enough will power not to alienate everyone in my life today. but really who knows? they may all get tired of my snappy retorts and decide mutiny is the best course of action and behead me in the backyard…
i wonder how long it would take then for my body to stop feeling pain
**after amy read the above she said “beheading you would take too much effort, so you are safe” well i see i am safe from the beheading but what about poisoning?
i have also been dropping things alot today and walking into walls. i noticed last night that part of my right bicep was shaking and my hand was shaking. my foot is dragging a bit today but i have not fallen today. i think this is mostly due to my being restricted to the bed. i am vomiting and wicked nauseous today. the dizziness or vertigo which ever it is is extremely bad. as is my visual perception. i have to close one eye to read. auditory processing is mildly effected-i can hear words but it takes a few seconds to figure out what they mean and if there is alot of noise i can’t understand anything at all, it’s too overwhelming.
10-19: passed out, have no idea what happened i just lost consciousness.
10-20: got extremely dizzy, tried to answer amy’s questions but my words were not making sense. she said i couldn’t open my eyes and i was babbling, don’t remember just remember feeling nauseated and dizzy.