social commentary

living in the south is a bit of a mindnumbing fist fuck as far as education…proven factoid. just like hicks experience w the waffle house waitress, we have encountered some doozies! it is always fun to nostalgically bring up times of hilarity brought to us by local morons.
somehow, over the course of a few years our family had collected 4 nonworking lawn mowers with the intention of learning how to fix one of them using the others for parts. well, this never happened, and i was getting lawnmowerphobia. so we drug them out to the curb and put a “free, take, nonworking” sign on them. they were nicely lined up on next to the street. about 2 hours after the lawn mowers were put out, we get a knock at the door. fearing possible jehovah’s witnesses, jeff, sam and i gathered in the hallway peeping around the corner while ted and eli answered the door-the reason for this is they are intimidating in size independently but as a combined tag team it is very unlikely to find trouble unwilling to tuck tail and run. so, they open the door and we can’t see past them, but what we hear leaves everyone in the house in shock for about 5 minutes before falling to the floor laughing. in a hoarse, scratchy oklahoma drawl we hear “iz ’em laown moers?” dead silence filled the air for about what felt like an hour but was really a minute tops, then eli stutters “ummm…yes?” the guy tips his hat-no for reals tips his hat, then proceeds to load them into his truck. we all stood on the porch as a family and watched jaw dropped and heads tilted. then it hit us what had just happened and we couldn’t stop laughing like we were all on nitrous oxide.
about a year ago, we went to buy groceries at walmart-i know i support the devil but we literally cannot afford to go anywhere else. walmart is a horrible experience no matter what, too many ppl, too many smells, ppl touching you, breathing on you….ugh! so eli, amy, ted and i are going from the pharmacy end to the food end of walmart when suddenly you hear the click of the overhead speakers come on. in a cadence that i can only imagine a 3 toed sloth would have if capable of the english language an announcement of a sale screeches into our ear holes “H -e- y F- oe- k – s, w- eee are h- a- vin a s- ell o- n s- i- d- e- w-ok ch- ok!!!!! I S- A- D, S-II-D-E-W-O-K CH-O-K!!!!” for those of you who don’t speak the primitive language of oklahoma the man was telling us there was a sale on sidewalk chalk!!! it took about 120 minutes for this guy to get that out! sidewalk chalk!!!!
we feel extremely smart in this house and whenever one of us is doubting our intellectual prowess we go to the walmart or talk about the man who couldn’t identify the lawn mowers!!!

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