“the dumbest thing on 4 legs” or “a day in the life of zolenut the cat” part1

zolenut

so the internet is full of cats.  the ever known grumpy cat, the nyan cat, or the super cute super sweet fuzzy-wuzzy kittens with the little baby kitten language, and that isn’t even touching on the cat pictures everyone wants to force down our throats calling them their babies, their fur-babies, their furries, their fuzzies, and whatever other obnoxious name they can attach to the cat.  well i am no better than those ppl!  except in our house we have the stupid crazy clumsiest cat in all the lands.  some regular everyday examples of her stupidity are:

  • the never-ending battle of zolenut and the tail.  it always sneaks up on her, and she is constantly biting it then getting angry that something hurt her tail.
  • ninja warrior.  like most cats zolenut is a practitioner of parkour.  she runs along the backs of couches, makes leaps at least 7 times longer than her body, runs up walls, and runs full speed across one inch ledges.  the only thing is zolenut, unlike any other cat i have ever had, 9 times outta 10 will miss the mark and fall.  she will run face first at full speed into walls the momentum of the collision knocking her backwards at least 3 feet.  she doesn’t have that cat-skill to land on her feet, so she usually ends up landing on her back or belly with her legs splayed out.
  • trying to get outside.  zolenut has not figured out where the windows are in the house.  when she sees someone outside she takes a run trying to catch up to them, again smacking usually face first into the window.  she recovers very quickly and then paws at the glass until you are out of site.  you can see the look of determination on her face that this swipe will break the invisible barrier between me and the rest of the world.
  • closed doors.  zolenut cannot be alone, at all ever.  she flips out, crying, screaming, howling.  she counts liger the dog as a person so he will walk where she is and sit down so she will shut up.  that being said, any door that is closed is her enemy and she thinks she is trapped inside the outside of the door.  for example, i go into the bathroom and i close the door.  she stands in the hall frantically scratching at the door, howling, and ramming the door with, what i assume is, her head.  this is any closed door or cabinet door.
  • other random kittie things.  she destroys my plants, stalks the guinea pig, is the smelliest cat in all of history, scratches the furniture but refuses to scratch the many scratching posts throughout the house that we spent gods know how much money on, demands food at 5:15 am, eats all paper products, and climbs up curtains.

so this morning, as usual, she comes into our bedroom at 5:15 in the freaking morning, demanding food and jumping up and down on my torso.  i didn’t get to sleep until after 3, so i was not getting up.  i pushed her off the bed several times, which didn’t discourage her a bit and i just turned on my side and went back to sleep.  i am not sure what time she actually gave up, but at some point she retired to the knowledge the feeder (me) wasn’t getting it’s lazy ass outta bed this morning.

i finally woke up at 6:50.  i have a regular routine in the morning: make coffee, wipe off counters bc i always spill water out of the carafe (why can’t they invent a coffee pot that doesn’t pour water all over the damn place?  we can go to the moon but we can’t seem to design a coffee pot that is clumsy person friendly), then i go in and feed zolenut.  she knows this is the routine, but knowing it and accepting it are two totally different things.  she spends most of the time jumping on the counter, pushing her face against the coffee pot, putting her ass in my face, and purr-howling until i open the food cabinet in the laundry room and get out her cup o’ wet food.  i then put the wet food in her bowl and go rinse the cup out and put it in the recycling.  it is every morning, we do this everyday.  the only variation is the time, the movements are all the same.  it is rote.

this morning somehow zolenut got very very confused.  she was chowing down on her chicken in gravy with liver, eating it as though she had not had any food for days.  i had put the cup down on the table so i could fill her dry food up.  we have to keep the dry food in tupperware bc she will sneak into the food cabinet and tear open the bag and eat from the bag, even though we keep her dry food bowl full all the time, apparently it taste better when it’s hunted down by the unstealthiest of all creatures, attacked then ripped open and eaten off the floor.  i fill the dry food bowl, and then get the empty cup-package the wet food comes in.  somehow this action confused zolenut very much.  so as i started to walk from the laundry room into the kitchen to rinse the cup, she started freaking out, weaving between my legs, biting at me, and screaming at the top of her lungs.  apparently she thought i took her food away from her.  ok let me say this again-she was eating her food then thought i took it away from her while she was eating it.  so she attacked me.  i rinsed the cup and put it into the recycling bin.  zolenut immediately jumps into the recycling and retrieves the cup,pulling it out.  she looks very confused for about a minute, then she starts screaming at the cup for not having her food in it.  i had been slightly amused by her insanity, but it was starting to get old.

“come on dumdum!  your food is in here!”

i scoop her up and carry her back into the laundry room to her bowl.  she jumps out of my arms and onto the table where she flicks her tail at me in utter disdain and then begins to eat her food that had been right there the entire time.

wet cat food

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