new years means something different for me

eli and wecks funny faces

most ppl take today to look back on their lives and see where they may have turned left when right would have been a better choice.  they contemplate how to improve their lives, how to make themselves and others happier, richer or more vibrant.  there is usually drunken debotury and wild antics to celebrate to ring in the new year full of new possibilities and adventures.  i participated in this celebrating as hard as possible every year, but for the last 10 years the drunken aspect has been left in the past.  the last time i celebrated new years eve for the sheer pleasure that it was new years eve was dec 31, 1993.

i almost remember that night vividly.  i was living w my mother for a brief stent and i was dating ted, who is now my exhusband/best friend.  we went to hear a band play-he swears it was this badass black guitarist who sang blues songs and rocked out, i thought it was a hardcore band, it was probably something in the middle and was truly irrelevant.  then we bought a whole bunch of asti spumante at least 6 bottles, rented a hotel room and got sloppy drunk and wild.  the next day we were hung over to the max puking and pounding.  we went to eat at hardees for breakfast.

the next year dec 31, 1994, i had my oldest son eli.  and my life was forever changed.  i fell in love for the first time ever.  eli made the world around me disappear and all that existed was him and i.  i saw myself in his baby eyes, and i knew i had to be ok bc this magnificent being came out of me.

so for the past 19 years i have reflected on how much that little baby has grown.  it is my time to evaluate our relationship, and determine if there are things i need to change about myself, how to be a good mother to him, and to pat myself on the back because of how far he has been able to come.  on new years eve, i relive the moment the world faded from view and how still sometimes when i hug my son, it happens again.

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One comment

  1. jmlol · December 31, 2013

    beautiful

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