they always said i was the smart one, but they always said alot of things

if i were a smart girl

the one i pretend to be

i would have designed  a shell

of the highest grade material

a barrier between me and life

i could rewrite my character

for one better suited

evolved enough to see truth

would have seen the lies

even behind the veil

they wear as a disguise

i can’t see past the facade,

the cloak of emotional invisibility

just a movement a shadow

the hint at something else

but i am not so clever

i just pretend to be

dazzled by the jewels

taking the form of friendship

comradery and compassion

i fall again and again and again

same trick different pony

just a cover song, a hoax

if i were a smart girl

a one of different breed

i would protect myself

never shining through

leaving thick velvet drapes

covering all things exposed

a camouflage in urban gear

that is the problem

the achilles heel of it all

despite the lashing

the knowledge of the whip

i stay exposed

allowing access to the whole of me

knowing all along your plan

is my destruction

worse than death

being locked in a room

unable to leave

the patty hearst of the 21st century

i participate in my own capture

so willfully stupid, a complete idiot

i light the match and hit the fuse

sit patiently for the kaboom

if i were a smart girl

as i lied to myself

a comfort of ignorance

i would have stopped years ago

i knew then what i know now

i am incapable

i am unworthy

 

i am the bitch that deserves no

mercy, compassion, or leeway

 

the ignorance of me now illuminated

for all to see a flashing neon sign

the los vegas of fools

of degradation and humiliation

and rapid destruction

of who i used to be

i think i might have learned

my lesson this time

 

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