the big tent filling up w spectators, bring on the freakshow that is me

i do believe i am a jester

brought to court to entertain

those without love or imagination

i am to sing and dance

slipping and sliding so people feel good

i must decorate large buildings

for the main act, coming to you live

in five, four, three, two, one

it’s the destruction of the person

who is the mother of my children

well for good measure let’s get the kids too

being a monster

a shadow of fragments

animated by use of alchemy

if that can turn dirt to diamonds

surely there is an incantation

allowing me to be something more

until just hours ago i still believed in fairy tales

the savior the maiden and the happily ever after

in the fairy tale i have repeated

on a loop playing over an over again

i was the beautiful princess denied love

but when cataclysmic events go down others flee

i have been denied for so long

it is just the permanent state of affairs

i stand here showing the signs of hatred

my body torn and dripping blood on the white carpet

standing in scarlet pools smelling of metal

you would think after

all this time

all this effort

all this fight

all this love

a knife would be an unnecessary item

my organs are no longer doing their jobs

what makes them think i should go through

all the pain

all the hope

all the fear

not to mention the complete annihilation

of the small bit i have left of my ego

why is dignity so far away when hate comes knocking

the love died in the cold

forgotten and lost

mourning for the loss so they can say

“i remember all those times she…”

“i loved her so much!  why did she do this?”

your concoction making sure to smile

despite what it is today the hate and loathing

tomorrow is a brand new day holding onto

the assurance a better strain of hate is coming

i am not worth the risk or the headache

i am not worth any dignity or respect

i wish they would just do it already

apparently it has already been decided

my end my final hurrah in the wold

i cannot a navigate a maze covered in fog

putting sugar on shit doesn’t make it candy

i am a pig wearing makeup but just a pig all the same

just with bright red lips and nails it muffles the sound

trying to cover the curly tail and squealing

a pig is good at one thing-eating

i can’t even do that correctly, up to snuff

i don’t belong there is no group

rational, sane people call for the death

of my ego, or my body, either would do fine

the votes are in, and it was a landslide victory

you won, good game, and i will now bow out

as a broken toy a bit of garbage

unacceptable and compostable

i am drowning as the blood rise above my shoulders

holding me down like a boulder tied around my legs

only intuition left forcing me to  breathe against my will

the false bravodo, the lies of love and ever after

it all goes away somehow, all leaving

there are people who have ceremonies helping

the older people, the wise ones cross

or the young ones with nothing left to lose

no one shows up, they pay mourners

it is undignified to do anything else

but where was the dignity and morality in life

how many people stopped and cared?

for so long i was a person who cared

i was a person who loved and trusted

now i am a vessel a mass put together

with molecules that attach perfectly

i look like a person, nose and mouth

eyes and shoulders in the proper place

the only difference in what i am and the other ones

is that i am no longer willing to pretend this

play full of actors and characters set to their own parts

repeating words told to them for so long to say

nothing behind it, sounds and influxtion a mouth moving

with nothing worth a shit coming out

sometimes there is the look of laughter and happiness

but these are the most prevaricate times

a worm on a hook loving nothing more

than the pulling of life from the safety found

with the waltz of something lovely

dancing around and hiding the danger

there was a time i thought i knew

all the steps all the motions and every motivation

now i am lost and scared and on the verge

maybe i will get lost in my dreams

where the pain is optional and quite avoidable

there is nothing left

no friend no lover no purpose

my accomplishments stolen and evolved

into something nasty and full of hate

my love freely given never enough

the pretending the play of life

a desperate attempt for you to avoid the loneliness

just a hobby until something better comes along

the worst thing that i can do is stay

in this in this form

in this mode

to hope and believe is the most devastating

the one that will shred the soul and self

it has no sense of proportion or boundaries

i  have lifted the white flag in hopes

of stopping the massacre of myself

the pleas and begging for love

my knees scraped and bruised

a permanent act of contrition

praying on rosary beads

and lighting candles

all in the hopes of a truce

of a chance at hope

regardless of the begging

and the compromises

and the rearrangements

the sacrifices given in homage to you

there is nothing to give as a burnt offering

i have nothing of worth

it’s all bloated and decaying

emitting a smell of death

before the blood stops moving

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