aching arms

another morning waking up

get the coffee on feed the cat

stumble and bumble my way to the day

walking in the living room there

are your clothes in your normal fashion

of putting them away

there are pants under this cushion

three socks you have two feet

i can’t really understand where

you keep the other…

2 shirts balled up and thrown

and one inside the couch

creating a camel hump

sometimes i want to shake

your teeth out of your skull,

other times i just want to coddle you

there has been so much

finding you carved up

gashes in your skin inflamed and hot

it’s been some time since those days;

watching your face light up

when you open presents in spite

of your truly hardcore punk rockness

watching you cry-that’s the worst

i can’t stand watching you hurt

hearing your stories of adventure

and determination deep in your voice

even when you think the world’s

got you by the balls and keeps squeezing

you still kick and scream and fight and win

i look around me today, sighing, eyes rolling

trying to think of something extremely

passive aggressive-a kick in the gut

but today i can’t, it is a comfort

i try to hide it all away, be a brave one

but inside there is a tiny me screaming

and holding her breath and stomping her feet

i don’t want to stop the evolution of our lives

i don’t want to put a brick on your head

so you won’t grow like a weed

i know it is best, i know you need this

and that tiny girl, that image of me

is a selfish little thing despite her appearance

i don’t know how to see an absence

i don’t know how to wake up and the

clothes balled up, the crumbs of

your undetermined midnight snack

the pile of dishes that has become

the trademark of your presence

how can i wake up and not see this

how is your voice going to sound

when you are on the other end

of the scattered telephone calls

will you tell me the small details

the way your professor has a funny walk

or the sound of some creepy guy’s laughter

will i know what color your hair is

i don’t know how to live, to be

like i said selfish and ego-centered

it is time for you to start life

that is the true testament of existance

your happiness, your tolerance

your overwhelming compassion

i know these will be a constant

just as i know you will still ball

up your clothes and stick them

in hiding places, nooks and crannies

but i think there will be time i will

ball up a shirt and make a camel hump

to lay on when i think missing you will

consume me like a lion will a lamb

this right for your life, what you should do

you are the man i always knew you would be

you are the strong beautiful boy that i

held in the hospital counting your toes

i can still see you extending your

arms to show me the invisible scratch

so i can kiss it away and make it better

you are still the angry 14 year old kid

who is way too smart and way to angry

soon you will be my beautiful son

and his beautiful wife and despite

the tears, it is what i want for you

i will just miss you, i will miss your messes

and the way you steal my soda

i will miss your voice in a cadence saying

“momma, don’t cry…you look fat when you cry”

forcing me to laugh even when i want to be sad

in so many ways you have defined me

now you will go and be the driving force

in the lives of others, and they will be for you

we both will  grow in our cocoons

emerging with vibrant wings

 

 

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