daddy’s girl

when i was a little girl

you would wake me up

every full moon

so we could howl together

with the coyotes

a little girl in pajamas

sleep in the corners of my eyes

shuffling over grass to the place

in the front yard set apart

from the rest

the howling post

a little spot of sacred ground

circle of hope and sadness

the birth and loss of another month

the moon, she knows the howling

the family standing in the yard

in the small texas town

when the moon was undressed

it was time to pay homage to her

then things changed as they do

lives in constant evolution

there was no more howling

the silence an eerie indicator

 

to stop howling meant separation

and separation meant loneliness

i was a little girl begging for hugs

birthday cards lost in the mail

gifts given with stipulations

the missing phone calls

you were the wind

just movin’ on down the line

i was just expendable

the throw away kid

too young to do much good

i did all i could

adapting at best

taking care of the little one

the tiny sister unable do it alone

the mother shattered by loss

locked away drunk, high, angry in her room

only learning you were in town

by the cruelty inflicted by your mother

bringing an audience to smile and laugh

at my gut wrenching pain and waterfall tears

your return was an unexpected surprise

there was no way to pause and restart

only forward momentum, no stopping to breathe

humiliation, rejection, passive aggressive actions

words said in a jeep on christmas

expression of hatred for the innocent

breaking the contract of compromise

it was my turn to forget and abandon

almost a decade of denial,

refusal to acknowledge you

sitting in my silent sadness

drowning in a pool of resentments

another evolution of life and love

the turning of the wheel of fate

forgiveness, comfort, empathy

your mortality evident and undeniable

you were not the god i made you

you were like the rest of us

fallible, arrogant, beautiful human

conversations in the backyard

phone calls during gunsmoke

songs sent through email

an understanding and acceptance

3 years of friendship and reality

listening to stories of the past

these times are the first in my memory bank

there are times i still cry, missing you

there are times i laugh, missing you

i still look at a full moon hanging in the sky

remembering the sound of your voice

and the twinkle in your blue eyes

and i howl from the depths of my soul

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