the cold smile of dementia

words:

a collection of symbols and sounds,

seemingly benign

noninvasive

nonviolent

communication

there are times these neutral beings

creep up tap me on the shoulder

flying fist of fury in the face

surprise

mortality

fear

elation

sunsets and flowers

a bumbling mess

the laundry pile of thoughts midair

leaving me a cackling crone sprawled on  concrete

spitting teeth and blood

expelling bile bitter and yellow

between the hacking laughter of the demented

the old woman in the young body

21st century trojan horse

confusion and maze-like obstacles to conquer

before words, thoughts, names become intangible

karmic retribution for crimes unknown

undisclosed

a dark comedy written for the omnipotent forces

walking and talking in malls and dance clubs

Deities in raves and eating mdma by the handfuls

the highest quality fear molded into reality

mental monstrosity is a dirty martini of the gods

attempts at neutrality, the scientific method

lovers chanting hope

“they are not sure”

faith is the dead stink of decay engulfing the corpse

somehow comforting the most beloved and foolish

a sucker’s religion in opium dens

blind and loving it

optimism-a comfort, a nice sunshine breaking the night

the ability to see shit and call it shineolia their saving grace

it is a gift to the few lost in prayer and humanity

those dripping conviction

not accessible to the masses

to the hungry and the drowning

the sickness of my mind stole the pretty package of disillusionment

leaving stones and rotten potatoes

the coal from santa

the confusion grows daily

the memory fades and twists

lost in ever-changing loops and turns of life’s labyrinth

now a prison of trees and beautiful creatures of death

“they aren’t sure…”

“noone is certain…”

“hold onto hope…”

the new lines of empty pomposity on the inside of hallmark cards

given freely by loved ones and the compassionate stranger

those in my boat

the other passengers prepared and scared

sweaty hands choking tickets

marked for the summerland

there is a common look

the smile giving comfort and calm

but the eyes hold the ideas of pain and demonic horrors

as far as we know it’s a one way trip

a nonstop to nowhere

lucifer-cruel bringer of light- tells us to pack a toothbrush

the built in human mechanism of self preservation

the carbon-based refusal to surrender in spite of defeat

i am no different

i am no better than the beggar at the door

i will scavenge for alternatives

drinking elixirs and popping pills

new this and that and medical studies of possibilities

i will sign papers until deemed unable to do so

then they will sign the papers for me

anything to hold on just one more day

to laugh one more time

today almost sane

rational

in my pjs of pretense

i hold the hammer of bravery and strength unwavering

climbing into the herculean ego and recklessness

facing the world like a madman on meth

but i have yet to forget to wear clothes

i still have time

access

a respite from madness

one day that will be a dream

a balloon released

all of the hopes and the prayers, bargains and promises

soon there will not be enough

silk flowers and rabbits

to pull off the party trick buying time

everything looks different when you live life reversed

playing back blocks memories in sensory overload

when the past will be gone and life will be forgotten

a madness of lonely lunacy

brain shrinking and shaking

all that is left is a shell

the creature inside long gone

light and shadows etched on kodak paper

the dancing eyes and smiles of what once was

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