red dirt, yellow grass and pecan pie

when i was a little girl

deep texas accent and a head of golden curls

big blue bonnets and big blue eyes

i remember holding my daddy’s hand

and we would kneel by the side of the bed

in unison making the sign of the cross

saying our prayers and sending our blessings

i remember the bedtime stories

princesses, monsters, goats, wickedness

i remember the voice that he used for golem

while reading the hobbit under the canopy

i remember the nights of the full moon

half asleep, barefoot, rain or drought

the feral family we were howling like wolves

i remember thinking my daddy was god

i remember thinking my daddy beat god

i remember the constant looks of disappointment

i relived the never-ending torment of never being enough

the loneliness of loss while standing in the same room

i remember the day i stopped having a daddy

it was the last day of childish hope

one day i met the man, the mortal flawed person

he was not wodin*, he was not rübezahl*, he was

i was able to love my daddy for being a man not a god

my daddy began to love me for doing good things

passionately imperfect and flawed

i was no saving grace, i was no mary, i was

we parted this world knowing each other in truth

we sat eye to eye honest and loving with our hearts

i can feel the parts of me that are him come alive

he comes to life in my children

when they refuse to submit

when they believe with their everything

when they love from deep down

i hear him when i hear bb king and lucille

i see him in the sun rise and in the smoky mountains

nothing ever ends it changes, morphs, evolves

but the curtain never falls for good….

just long enough to change the scenery

————————————————

 

*wodin: the saxon name for the more commonly known norse god odin.  both are germanic languages, and related just different areas and different spellings.

*rübezahl: from old german folklore (but the geographical location is different than modern european germany) a mountain spirit.  he was a trouble-maker and kinda overall weirdo trickster.  he liked playing practical jokes, especially using the weather.  growing up and hearing some of the old tales, i thought of my dad’s uncle ted who was one of the funniest weirdest guys i ever met.  i didn’t have a grandpa, and uncle ted played that role-the pull my finger guy.  he had a dog named “little britches” and we would go out to his farm where there was no electricity and he would have peppermint candies, he would ask if we wanted one while he was feeding one to little britches.  of course it was sugar so we would all scream “yes yes we want one!!!” to which he would reply “you are such nasty children who eat dog food!!!!  you eat dog food!!!”  he would run around throwing peppermint hard candy at us while we squealed and he would just be laughing bc we ate dog food.  my dad was exactly like that too.  it was hard for people to meet him and not like him, and he was just silly.

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