70 days early

for decades i saw the all of you

there will never be a moment

not a 10,000th of one second

i will not protect you

slaying demons, dragons, sorcerers

i will break the boundaries into hell

and fuck the devil himself to keep you safe

but i am fading from your mind

sometimes i can close my eyes

remembering, wallowing in nostalgia

you throwing food on the floor

your clear indication the five star dining had ended

i can still feel the stab, the nausea

the words the doctor said after listening to your chest

there was a woman screaming 

she followed me for days

i realized that scream was from me

fear boiling in a cauldron

the green tar-like goop spilling

poisoning all rational thought

in the end the elixir dissipated

and the 27 rational thoughts began scurrying 

 i have your voice burned in my memory bank

your first laugh, your five year old voice

the voice of the frustrated 14 year old

the laughter of today…

i miss you

i miss knowing you

i miss your trust in me

i miss bocce ball and late night snacks

i want to understand

but i don’t know

how many one-sided conversations

i can have with your door



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