Brand new shoes

Snarling teeth bared for everyone to see

No pretending

No apologies 

Just hatefulness animosity callousness 

Cold sting of the high altitude 

Leaving me afraid of your rabid behavior 

Nowhere to run

Nowhere to hide

Left to the devices of those wanting extermination

Of me and all my kind

Now I shall be baptized into the mist

70 days early

for decades i saw the all of you

there will never be a moment

not a 10,000th of one second

i will not protect you

slaying demons, dragons, sorcerers

i will break the boundaries into hell

and fuck the devil himself to keep you safe

but i am fading from your mind

sometimes i can close my eyes

remembering, wallowing in nostalgia

you throwing food on the floor

your clear indication the five star dining had ended

i can still feel the stab, the nausea

the words the doctor said after listening to your chest

there was a woman screaming 

she followed me for days

i realized that scream was from me

fear boiling in a cauldron

the green tar-like goop spilling

poisoning all rational thought

in the end the elixir dissipated

and the 27 rational thoughts began scurrying 

 i have your voice burned in my memory bank

your first laugh, your five year old voice

the voice of the frustrated 14 year old

the laughter of today…

i miss you

i miss knowing you

i miss your trust in me

i miss bocce ball and late night snacks

i want to understand

but i don’t know

how many one-sided conversations

i can have with your door

 

erosion of my stone heart

i thought we would hold hands forever

i have fought your demons and monsters

begging and bargaining to keep you safe

processed pressed turkey loaf and instant tea

plastic spoons for everyone’s protection

i walk the memories in the hallway of my mind

i find pictures of who we used to be

the romanticized versions of the you and the me

i have always been able to tell myself lies

i tried to love you sane

i wanted to love you happy

i wished to love you to life

but i am not enough to live for you

i took the belt, the shame, the wrath

when he exploded in blind rage

i wouldn’t eat until you ate first

i was a child raising someone else’s child

i would have gouged my eyes to keep you from crying

i am no saint

i am no pacifist

broken fingers, black eyes, fist fights, name calling

and more and more and more and more

two lifetimes of more

words like carbon monoxide suffocating your kids

phone calls, threats, lies

calculating measurements ensuring scar-tissue:

“it’s taking you so long to die…just do it already!”

red and blue flashing lights men in uniform on my porch

love for a girl and a boy while refusing you access

denying you the ability to steer my life

gives justification for an avant garde war of the roses

i have given up on the illusion of sisterhood

i learned you will never ask how i am doing

i learned i don’t need you to ask

i learned my soul can sing and shine

i can laugh from deep inside without worry or shame

when there is no smog or poison wringing all of me

i hope you find a happiness one day

daddy’s last wish was i take care of you

but i have to say goodbye and i can not say hello again

 

 

 

concentrated cruelty and orange crush

judgement used to debase and destroy the soul and psyche

lifetimes of doting annihilation of life and love surrounding you

complete degradation of those you are supposed to build up

you are bound and  locked in a drunken stupor

self absorbed

we were hungry

lost and scared

begging for a scrap of life

backyard brawls and calloused remarks

the need for love crumbled away

with each punch thrown

kansas playing softly in the background

barely ten when assigned the role caretaker

adult by proxy

collecting skills to live life in turmoil

deemed unworthy of joy

opportunities denied

slipped through fingers like water

tethered to the jigsaw puzzle of insanity

a sick understanding of emotional propulsion, loneliness and void

pockets full

of excuses and reasons

fake smiles and apologies

evolution never complete

characteristics given in genetic boxes

overriding the miserable

hoping for gifts of hope

shining

no more mental terrorism, no mindfucks and manipulations

no more curses and cruelty, no condemning beauty to darkness

no more throwing words and hexes, no planting seeds of self doubt and fear

the pain cut into the forearm is screaming for help and compassion

sanguineness has never come from you

all life missed

all conversations muted

just too many chances tossed away with junk mail

there will be dancing and singing

tears and birth

loss and confusion

all beautiful

all worthy

all necessary

to find truth and bask in love

the essence of aurora borealis alive in the eyes of those you sentenced to hell

 

when i was a young whippersnapper….

this was not the normal state of affairs

back in the day

there was

craziness

drunkards

loud music

beer in bathtubs

we took control of the shit hole motel rooms

where dope is expected

boys who try to play house

when the girl is passed out

bad choice

those behaviors instigating

someone hurling you through a window

scarred for life

the constant reminder that those kids don’t play

punk rock shows in the living room

holding the baby on my hip

shitty bands

with contracts and riders

demanding white towels and tofu

meeting some very awesome folks

the north texas punk scene

making zines

while pete sang new lyrics for

eli to tune of desperato

holding him up

explaining the beauty

found in swimsuit additions

ted doing the daily grind at some fucking waste of time job

keeping us in food

never enough to get ahead

just survival

there was a pure love for it all

before we became jaded adults

today it’s baby asprin regiments and tums by the handful

it’s fighting for the advancement of justice and equality

while still attempting to avoid prison or watch-lists

it’s death and sickness

the brilliance of brain damage

inhaling too much freon

massive amounts of dope

creating monsters of predators

assassins of souls

it’s doctor appointments

testing

frustration at idiocy

it’s driving to new mexico

marriage proposals

planning weddings under the moon

in herds of radio telescopes

these days the big deal is a diploma and applications

taking the “you can’t”

and prevailing as the conqueror

with a big smile

and a fuck you on the lips

eyes dancing

preparing for dorm life

packing then unpacking

then packing again

everything holds a different meaning

in the shadow of age

drinking metimucil by the shot and a calcium supplement chaser

beer pong looks stupid

like a big mess to clean up in the morning

somehow through all the then and now and all of the in between

we managed to grow up

somewhat

do the right thing

hopefully

paying electric bills

well rounded meals focusing on nutrition

bringing in books that were paid for

no longer looking behind us

discussing world politics with the kids

before buses come and honk

giving a damn that the neighbors are asleep and might have to work

knowing what a justin bieber is

appreciating toy story as art

we have grown into all that we never wanted to be

somewhat

but the promises whispered in times of panic and pain upheld

it won’t be too much longer until all the birdies have left the nest

our lives are rearranged again without consent or control

it’s kind of a breath of fresh air

to move with life as it comes

plan for the future but live for today…

almost too simple

 

 

 

little dreams in baby bubbles

there are some days the sound of you breathing makes me violent

i want to take you down with shattered glass and fist of fury

maybe that is my natural state of being-violent and angry and harsh

the screaming banshee warning of death and the reaper that brings it

while you instigate others to smash walls, hurl insults, derogatory flattery

spoken in screams wafting into my mind like the smell of hell and sulfur

there is no escaping the jagged edges of who we are, an explosion

sometimes i think i will go crazy or i have and hold a return ticket

a demented and fragmented dream, full color and surround sound

the sound of job and his troubles the theme song of decades

i am too tired

too pissed off

too foolish to understand

the truth of it is

i don’t buy into your pre-fab innocence

i know the dance of the fool from the tarot deck-it’s worn, dated

the back in the day recipe of fantasy with a sprinkle of truth

the piss, the smell, the pile of shit in the corner growing stale

the trademark wide-eyed confusion while calling contract killers

to attack, annihilation of the one person who hung around

the voice booming over the loud speaker not from your mouth

but reading your book of sadness and pity, verbatim

it’s such a cruel cruel world, you have had it bad-real bad

never your choice

never your actions

never your responsibility

it’s all a reaction to me

the small town girl with the silver boots

it was beautiful and fancy

punk rock shows, mohawks and lsd

you were the king until that night of gravel and poetry and glitter

it’s all been downhill since i came along, jezebel peddling lies

the nights in cheap motel rooms, staph infections and whores

i brought down the rain of crack and meth and malt liquor

i took your hand busting through metal for pills in brown bottles

that is the story you have told, the reality you wove into being

i don’t remember it that way, but i was never as smart as you

i recall begging and tears and pleading hoping for change

the bitch sitting on my floor telling me how to live my life

the smell of the hospital room a beautiful baby in my arms

as he held the gun to my head demanding to know your location

i remember frozen bank accounts and jobs in laundry factories

bus tickets from austin and midnights driving trying to find you

burning beans in the kitchen and missing medicine for the kid

seven years of children with questions and tears and fears

the same seven years of starter fluid and lithium in your veins

guitars to the head, seizures, fist fights and whiskey hang overs

time after time, year after year, fight after fight, the promises broken

both of us with blood on our hands and knives in our backs

now here we are co-owners of a mountain of destruction

playing who has it the worst and who done it this time

drawing straws for angry dope fiend of the year

i don’t know if i can handle anymore psychic warfare

the battlefield is soaked with blood and sweat

boots sinking in mud to the knees-our own battle of antietam

for once, i am down to my last dollar and my last hope

i can’t see painless way out of the forest and shadows

but i know i can’t go on like this, i am running out of steam

to hell with memories, fighting, forgiveness and fault

we are family, a mixture of dna formed life of beauty

give me the damned treaty and i will sign

i give up, i surrender

 

 

justice wears a pink feather boa and combat boots

what the fuck is happening

humanity is disappearing

in a puff of smoke

like a $10 magician

in  a dingy theater on friday nights

the time of innocence dwindles

never allowing our future

a security or a promise

sirens and boots

the song of life

a badge and a gun

the illusion of safety

with the deployment

of tasers and pepper spray

the sound of the club against the skull

crashing wayward

cracking the vagabond

smashing the desperate

who looked

too queer

too poor

too dark

to be up to any good

our promise of a future

of contentment and abundance

whispered in the womb

was a lie

trust has been collected and counted

among the many things

no longer held as sacred

it is ouroboros

cops verses robbers

are the grey days

of history captured and framed in gold

we have graduated

soldiers veruses civilians

police-states verses masses

semi-automatic death

kevlar dresses

sweeping across the floor

chemistry sets creating

criminals in jars

the power found

at the trigger of a gun

is embraced with a kiss

so passionate

so lovely

so sweet

the smell of death

on street corners

mothers throwing themselves

on the funeral pyre

dying with the beloved

crossing  the river styx

the ferryman and his coins

thanatos

hades

and the lovely persephone

awaiting our patriotic nightmare