ferris wheel & pink cotton candy

it’s a tumultuous feeling

calm

it seems like a lie

a temptation for tornadoes

to rip everything apart

leaving the soul barefoot

to navigate across shattered glass

quiet

a perfect indicator of emotional doom

the sniper in place

waiting for the order to fire

the ravens gather for the onslaught

serenity

leaving time for promises to die

giving way to mental destruction

defenseless, naked, unmasked, unaware

blind in a boxing match

peace

time to prepare myself

for the barbed wire dress

for the parade of the despised

amity

pacts and trusts in boxes

that i am unable to open

i don’t have the fucking key

i don’t have the fucking tools

harmony

what a bullshit mirage

put in place to make the thinking

go to doctors and hospitals

thorazine and depakote

frontal lobotomy life therapy

there is no comfort in joy

there is no contentment in tranquility

happiness is rotting flesh disguised with aromatherapy

 

house calls

synchronicity and serendipity

conjuring up mutual need for kindredness

magical sound of a knock on the door

a blast from the past

i had no idea the sight of you would

make my heart skip in my chest

like a three year old

memories of long ago

playing cards

roaming mountains

exploring haunted houses

jaw bones of unknown animals

a rose and a poem

i saw you

the ache of missing you

boiled up then floated away

to see your face

to hear your laughter

to listen to stories

of loss

of neglect

of children

of new love

of unrighteous intruders

of adventures

of a life that molded

the girl i knew

the girl i love

into a woman

i have known my whole life

you are no longer the maiden

you are the mother

how beautiful it is

the flower you have bloomed into

 

-for aubrey

one too many slaps to the face

i might be broken….

i might have just done wrong

who knows…

the yelling

the fighting

the shaking

it gets old

decades and decades

bucket-fulls of promises

oceans full of lies

i have been tumbling down the stairs

head over heels

heels over head

dress flying up

and no panties on

the degradation of my sensibilities

high power erosion to das über-ich & das es

quite reminiscent of  a study in theory

good ol’ sigmund’s wet dream

a modern day greek tradgedy of familial replacements

my dad, your mom, chaos, tears, too little time

rock and roll, psychoanalysis

addictions replacing masturbation

i am tired

worn thin

and too fat

i don’t know how to care today

i don’t know how to not give a shit

somehow you are in my nature

but so is a love for whiskey, beer and opiates

i have harnessed myself, purged and detoxed

sometimes it comes down to the soul-search

scattergories of lifetime examination

then ceremonious purification by fire

words fall short

here in the wasteland of scorching heat

the plains of boiling bigotry and bitterness

where morality and kindness can be exchanged

there are dangerous creatures lurking

those who bask in the hate, highlighting the forked tongue

so often the beautiful, vibrant  allure of a well-honed predator

outshines the best of the loving, caring, compassionate creatures

we have no need for trickery

he is sweet and loving and kind

he cries when it hurts to be him

on his back are the footprints of his brothers and sisters

those who promised to hold his life as their own

those who promised him tantamount to their beloved

in the end, he was alone, afraid, injured and left to die

come what may, because he is just a sentient being, child-like, trembling

what of the joker, the trickster, the speaker of my language

smiling through self torture, a private guantanamo bay

i don’t know what happened to you before

i don’t know what they said and didn’t say

but i know today you are beautiful and worthy and precious

despite the best of your efforts

too many before have sighed with resignation

turning fear of future failure and triumph into chains

but selling freedom for quasi-comfort is not fair exchange

when there are too many fish in a pond they suffocate

but settling is giving up more than life-that’s too easy

settling is taking your essence, your all truth, your all love

settling is bottling the space between chemical reactions

and selling it in walmart as the next teen star glitter body spray

 

blood on the calla lily is a marvelous memory

i had a dream

so vivid, so clear, so lucid

my senses so provoked, so deranged

i cannot say for sure it was a dream or omen

i was wondering around

window shopping and people analyzing

the later of which i am known to do

even in the world outside of my dreams

but i loathe shopping-window or otherwise….

forgive me i lost my thought train…the dream

i was surrounded by steel and glass and concrete

i turned left or maybe it was right

but if it were right it was at the wrong place

my dream me wandered and wondered

then skipped and sang, whirling and twirling

because in dreams you can run even without legs

i must have walked thousands of dream miles

i must have walked for hundreds of dream days

the glass and concrete crumbled

there had been an epic battle

the passionate animated fighting the cold artificial

and by the looks of it all, the victor was the living things

there were groves of oak trees, ancient and warm

the grass was green and moist, soft under my feet

i could smell the sweetness of lilac and wisteria

there were bits of mistletoe hanging from branches

tiny hills of berries and nuts gathered on the path

i found refuge and rejuvenation and happiness

i spent time talking to life and listening as it replied

it was a spot of serenity, a retreat, but not home

and home was an unavoidable place

the way home was solemn and dour

as i walked ahead, painted people emerged

some in masks with sequence

some wearing the faces of animals

people dressed as nymphs and fairies

still others had simply painted smiles from ear to ear

i knew them all, even with their faces disguised

they were people i loved

they were people who said they loved me

friends and family descending on me

attacking like wolves on a deer

ripping me apart, gouging my eyes

crushing my trachea

joyfully leaving me there

to die properly and clean up when i finished

graeae in small town oklahoma

we aren’t quite sure why

the what and the how are clear

but the essence of propulsion

the driving force

is locked in boxes in boxes in boxed in code

we have spent long nights in electric parlors

designing philosophies of pinpoint accuracy

anthropological physics drawing x&y equations

burning calories in conversational warfare

intellectual mechanics

churning

hopping

bopping

expelling ticker tape in ancient swirling symbols

the attempts of the few free minds

the psyches unchained, unhindered

the original mint condition cadillac of mentality

resorting to guessing games and scavenger hunts

all in the attempt to unearth the source of your madness

you are a plague, a pestilence, the fall of emotional economics

a brush fire among the dry mesquite of walking talking clowns

is there a new disease unleashed

and you without an umbrella or vaccine

or is it a poison, radiation seeping

into the water flowing into your veins

a green, nuclear sludge from bullets and bombs

the idea of demonic possession almost valid

to those pragmatist toting atheist philosophies

your magnitude can make the devil appear

your evil wicked cruelty makes demons cringe

is it the ghost of ancient cultures and dinosaurs extinct

haunting the halls in your mind, howling and scratching

did they forget your shiny new toy in your happy meal

you and yours, kindred souls nestled in hate

created by the capture and drowning of angels

the most dangerous of all monsters

has a dazzling smile, loving eyes, grey hair

whispering hippie rhetoric

bringing in those poor saps who signed up for self sacrifice

your love of baked goods, cookies and grandchildren

your love of seeing the full explosion of pain and eruption of tears

the salty drops you collect in bottles living in the spice rack

bedazzling and beading injustice, degradation, cruelty and threats

your gaggle of witches and your coven of bitches

spreading nightmares and progressive famine

the clown with the red lips and the dumpy hips in the lead

the unassuming whispering nymph of poetry and pen

sporting the used pastel floral print dresses and bongs

because smoking weed and hemingway are the true blue

the new call of your battle

acapella escaping tiny mouths

belting out voices

saying the lines you placed in tiny brains

your club of unreasonable hatred and destruction

gluten free brunch for faux feminists

the flaunting of a new brand of cruel

call it surreal and fools fork over payola

there are those who see your clothed hatred

the time for unveiling has arrived with the mail

and you the hateful, the liars, the pretenders

you have been exposed and highlighted

the triple divinity with las vegas personas

the plastic skin bubbling and dripping off

exposing the suffering and loathing gooey middle

but your darkness cannot block the light

the moon still hangs bright in the night

friendship, comradery, an end to loneliness

are dazzling jewels of hope out of your reach

so do your dance

shake and jive

swing those hips

speak your hypnotic bullshit and flash the dentures bright

you the lying clan of agitators, the red wine stain of spite

 

 

wishful thinking

you are the lie told in the ears of lovers

trapped over and over again purposefully

one day you were there, i know you were

then as soon as you came along, poof!

the famous disappearing woman

falling from one life into another

you need to move in the zigzag pattern

avoiding facing the truth by refusing to see

forever and ever is over in the blink of the eye

thanks for the laughs, and the shoulder

but now you are jaded and rigid

all things will be locked away in the cupboard

it becomes a weary task reaching out

reaching out to help, to comfort

hands are tired, grasping for air and absence

i guess i am just one of those of things that happen