fresh off the presses
it’s nice to meet you
i see you are gay
don’t worry, i am accepting
i once knew a woman
who had a cousin that was one
you know he was
then i read a book
about timmy and his two mommies
and before i threw it in the fire
i thought how timmy must feel
and i was a bit concerned
but only because if he had
two mommies who taught
the poor child to pee standing up?
i am an expert on all things gay!
once there was a black man
who worked in the warehouse
he was good for a black guy.
we weren’t friends, but we talked occasionally.
i heard some of that martin luther king jr speech.
i am an expert in being a person of color.
there was one day, i talked to a muslim woman
she told me her beauty is a gift
i told her to take the damn scarf off her face
and get with the program of the new world
this isn’t the 19th century anymore.
a tear fell from her eye and became a stain
on the mask she chooses to wear
no man or god can tell me what to do!
i did see that documentary over
the prophet muhammad on the history channel
i now an expert on all things islamic.
one day i was getting into my prius
my sweet sweet hippie-mobile
with the proper amount of bumper stickers
showing my progressive politics
letting everyone know how
radical i am in my efforts to
change the world making it a better place.
i read this article on the ozone layer
i am an expert on all things ecological
a black man who was obviously on crack
came and asked for some change.
he said he was hungry and all
though he was skin and bones
his face ghostly, gaunt, quite ashen
there was no way i was going
to help this man buy more drugs
i saw an intervention once or twice
i am an expert on all drug use.
one day i was walking through the park
and this thing passed me on the hiking trail
it was a shim-you know a man dressed like a woman
obviously not a real woman, the walk releasing
all the secrets attached to his genitals
i changed courses and caught up to him.
i told him i just had a few questions
“so do you have a you know…penis?
where do you put it? is it really little
and that is why you dress like a girl?”
he broke into a run for some reason
it seemed almost as though he
didn’t want to tell me
what’s going on in his pants
but i am entitled that information
i have gone to a drag show
they are really funny
i am an expert on all things transvestite.
another day i was driving to the grocery store
and the cars were going less than 20 miles an hour
it was so slow, and really i had somewhere i needed to be
i had no time for this nonsense
i switched lanes and saw a man in a wheelchair
puttering down the road holding up traffic.
there aren’t sidewalks, but i doubt
he really needed to be somewhere
bad enough to hold up traffic
one day i read a book about a woman
who lost her legs in an accident.
i am an expert on all things disabled.
i don’t see the trouble
i don’t understand what these people
have to be upset about.
i have known oppression
i was born with a vagina and not a penis
not even a nubbin of a penis
is quite horrible, but i smile through
it’s only natural for men
to oogle me
it makes me feel
i have been able to swim
the river of oppression
and i have had it much worst
than those others who chose
to not blend in
their personal identity being counted
i am an expert on all things oppressive!
so if all those people would just shut up
at least try to look normal
stop being so weird
life would be much more simple
there are gay conversion clinics
organizations teaching muslim women not to submit
the trannies decide to go into public like that
there are drug rehab facilities
the cripples are looking for sympathy
the poor need to stop being so lazy
my difficulty is unavoidable
my oppression is the real deal
i am sick of people wallowing
in the “poor me” mud
that it is their choice
to be knee deep in anyway
but no one can understand
the pressures facing the
white middle class educated employed married
heteronormative cisgender woman
my barrel is overflowing with turmoil
there is no one coming to my aid
my oppression beats those others
in size, weight and density.
what they need is to stop being such
whiny asses especially when
they brought it all on themselves
-to win the three-legged race for being the most oppressed. grand prize the beautiful cardboard crown, a blue ribbon, and a sash.
i think next year i should get the grand prize trophy