it’s time to drop out

i have a moral defect

my radar is broken in all the wrong places

like a watch that loses 22.5 seconds randomly

i pass out trust and friendship and compassion

like the arrogant unremarkable drug guy

who got the ladies through lsd and blow

in the end he was alone despite his best attempts

everytime i try, i let them in, my heart snaps

they all want something:

she wants to feel superior, so give me a call and let me know how stupid i am

he wants to have someone around when the world seems to crumble

she wants a momma to fix life and tell her everyday “go get ’em champ’

then him then him then her then them then they then then then then

but in the hospital there are just two of us

there aren’t phone calls asking how shit’s going

there is no phone calls or emails

there isn’t even a kindly fuck yourself postcard

it’s been like this as long as i have been me

i have been the gal to get it done in the name of relationship

but once accomplished there is no room for my crazy

i am not taking applications anymore

i don’t want to gab on the phone

i don’t want your bullshit

i don’t want lectures of my sub-par intellect

i don’t want to care for your kids so much you drag me through the dirt

mine is not a circus freak show for the pleasure of the bored and over-literate

 

 

 

the face in the mirror is not mine

there is no truth sung from mouths

untold stories and indecent acts of forgetfulness

building grand mansions and r0lling estates

are the treasures of the economic scoundrel

but everyone can survive without nike and nestlee

the untruths told by known liars are job requirement

it’s the loves that break the insides apart

the loves stir passion and fear

a never ending changing of the guard

i have always heard or perhaps read it in a hallmark card

“a broken heart will mend”

what about a heart that has been shattered

can a heart be replaced by a cold instrument

i wish on every shooting star that could be

take away the ugly and the inferior

take away my defects that repulse 7 billion people

take away the desire to be loved

take away the desire to love

my place will be quietly in the shadows

until i am a raindrop

 

always hold onto the helium balloon

every minute ticked by

slowly

like a strung out snail

a turtle on heroin-time

looking through windows

at the lives of others

shivering and shaking

as they drank their swiss miss

from over-sized mugs

smelling of beets, patchouli and other organics

rosey cheeked fuckers with cream-like chins

dancing sparkling eyes and the proper bmi

every smile of delight made me shrink

the definition of me

lay solely

in the definition of they

but that ain’t life, man

the human being isn’t built

for the rat race

i stored my morals in my pocket

i pulled them out or tucked them in

depending on the who’s what’s when’s why’s where’s

the nouns and verbs of the situation

the only thing that can grow in nothing

is nothing

and that is all i was

nothing

and it’s too much to be nothing where you need to be anything but

so i charted and planned and catered

i was going out like a rocket ship and not a child’s balloon

then it was amazing

the most amazing of graces

there was a smile and a greeting

that was it…..

when there is a pair of nothings

you have something

and shit

that is a something to fucking believe in

we keep the door open

the light is on

and the fire is lit

there is bread out and cheeses

always look for warm drinks in winter and ice when the sun is high

everyone is someone

everything is something

in this place we are a band of miscreant ex-nothings creating a grand circus of delight

there is no grace under fire

external stimuli cutting my mind

stunting thought process

the bombs of soul destruction exploding

leaving shrapnel impaled in my grey matter

secret meetings drawing strategy in walls of green paint

words sneaking under the door ringing clear and clean

battered

beaten

bruised

tortured

tormented

left for dead

 

the rancid hostility seeping

into the heart by osmosis

traveling through me

on waves of platelets serum

as the anger fades misunderstanding revealed

a civil suit pursued for war crimes past and present

there is no escape

i can’t slip out the back, jack

peace and joy

a wonderful topping for cheesecake

but sometimes you just can’t get rid of the crazies

 

 

 

wishful thinking

you are the lie told in the ears of lovers

trapped over and over again purposefully

one day you were there, i know you were

then as soon as you came along, poof!

the famous disappearing woman

falling from one life into another

you need to move in the zigzag pattern

avoiding facing the truth by refusing to see

forever and ever is over in the blink of the eye

thanks for the laughs, and the shoulder

but now you are jaded and rigid

all things will be locked away in the cupboard

it becomes a weary task reaching out

reaching out to help, to comfort

hands are tired, grasping for air and absence

i guess i am just one of those of things that happen

the eradication of my soul and cremation of what is left

meticulous in designing

hours evolving as days

days reform to months

holding hands of children

afraid, alone, and tortured

arms embracing those

seeming to drown

into darkness and confusion

the man who lost his friend

the girls sexually assaulted

answering phone calls

in the middle of the night

calming someone down

or the voice of a young man

crying on the other end

because his dad didn’t raise him

to be a faggot

contracted to build community

brick-advocacy

brick-support

brick-education

growing into a web

more striking than

any arachnid symphony

glistening on a sunny day

the dream manifested

taking shape and alive

in a puff of smoke

stolen, damaged, gone

the name is the same

mist and mirrors

slight of hand

a spade living in the palm

ready for expulsion anytime

comradery replaced by egos

no return for helping people

none that you can hoard

no photo ops

no glitter or gold

i mourn the loss daily

my brainchild ripped apart

smiling is hard to do

being lonely filled with fears

too much time is spent

crying rainbow tears

medusa strikes again more venomous than ever

for days, weeks

morning to night

spinning out of control

confused and blindfolded

turning inside out

worry, dread, fear

no intentional

action, reaction, inaction

friendships swirling

down drains in

tiny little hurricanes

very few comforts

no stuffed animals

in the corner

no baby dolls

in the bed

the blankies

all gone and removed

from memory

ghosts echoing

phrases said before

words flowing from

mouths just different teeth

and lips fuller

sometimes thinner

all composed with

tongues twisting excuses

like snakes in a pit

vipors, lying cowards

and more fools

than can be held accountable

it’s nothing new

like reruns of

three’s company

seen over and over

how many times can one

person stub their toe

on the same stair

refusing to pick up their feet

insisting the stair move

it’s all the same

a dance of facades

to songs of rhythm

speeding up

slowing down

but the song stays

remaining unchanged

the lyrics pull tighter

a noose around the throat

only allowing a yard or two

before breath is gone

life exhausted and spent