it’s time to drop out

i have a moral defect

my radar is broken in all the wrong places

like a watch that loses 22.5 seconds randomly

i pass out trust and friendship and compassion

like the arrogant unremarkable drug guy

who got the ladies through lsd and blow

in the end he was alone despite his best attempts

everytime i try, i let them in, my heart snaps

they all want something:

she wants to feel superior, so give me a call and let me know how stupid i am

he wants to have someone around when the world seems to crumble

she wants a momma to fix life and tell her everyday “go get ’em champ’

then him then him then her then them then they then then then then

but in the hospital there are just two of us

there aren’t phone calls asking how shit’s going

there is no phone calls or emails

there isn’t even a kindly fuck yourself postcard

it’s been like this as long as i have been me

i have been the gal to get it done in the name of relationship

but once accomplished there is no room for my crazy

i am not taking applications anymore

i don’t want to gab on the phone

i don’t want your bullshit

i don’t want lectures of my sub-par intellect

i don’t want to care for your kids so much you drag me through the dirt

mine is not a circus freak show for the pleasure of the bored and illiterate

 

 

 

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i seem to find you in the oddest places

i thought you would be gone

“a single drop of rain” as the sage sang

i stood in the rain for years searching

and there was no drop of you

i looked in other places

peacock feathers-that is a bit more your style

i tried to find you south of albuquerque

and in the little wichita river where your daddy died

i looked for you in the cemetery

i screamed your name at all four corners of the farm

i thought i was alone with my memories

and somedays that was enough

and somedays it broke me like brittle bone against rock

there was a part of me that waited

thinking you and your fucked up funny sense of humor

would make grand entrances at mundane times

maybe that will always be there

shit who knows-dealing with it all is hell

but i know you when the honeysuckle blossoms

i can almost see you next to me listening to our music

shelling peanuts and drinking diet coke

in pool sticks and horseshoe pits and beef tongues

sometimes i just want to lay my head on your shoulder

and sometimes i want to slap your face

but i miss you every moment

i see you in all of your grandchildren

i see you in me

and i am proud to be your little girl

it would be your birthday tomorrow

i think i will make a cake! 

it’s time to start celebrating again, daddy….

one too many slaps to the face

i might be broken….

i might have just done wrong

who knows…

the yelling

the fighting

the shaking

it gets old

decades and decades

bucket-fulls of promises

oceans full of lies

i have been tumbling down the stairs

head over heels

heels over head

dress flying up

and no panties on

the degradation of my sensibilities

high power erosion to das über-ich & das es

quite reminiscent of  a study in theory

good ol’ sigmund’s wet dream

a modern day greek tradgedy of familial replacements

my dad, your mom, chaos, tears, too little time

rock and roll, psychoanalysis

addictions replacing masturbation

i am tired

worn thin

and too fat

i don’t know how to care today

i don’t know how to not give a shit

somehow you are in my nature

but so is a love for whiskey, beer and opiates

i have harnessed myself, purged and detoxed

sometimes it comes down to the soul-search

scattergories of lifetime examination

then ceremonious purification by fire

soak in the water to clean your soul

the loneliness is bitter enough

to break the best built psyches

it is acidic-torture, leaving nothing

but burned blistered broken heart

those few proven loyal friends

they are found on television reading

the best mediocrity has to offer

but it is something, anything

superficial empathy, glazed words hiding truth

i am a miscreant, i am a chimera

those who take oaths and pledge love and loyalty

those i trusted to lock arms with

comrades are the first to be busy

alliances forged through epic battles of morality

but allies can be compromised and contracts burned

before the smoke clears the legions

those once brothers and sisters

stand at the ready to destroy

once seen there is no self delusion left

the only course of action is to decide how to

make your final bow

 

 

 

 

sometimes stopping the pain is the end of it all

i see death in your silhouette

no, death is intimate and romantic

i see void

i see vast emptiness

a life where nothing lives

no parasite will feast

fleas, lice and the like scatter

even the most basic of chemical reactions

can speak fluently in survival

and where you linger, life does not

you suck love, light and happiness

from the souls of the pure

leaving them demented, tortured

banging their heads in sanitariums

selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors

anti-psychotics and shock therapy

when all else fails…

drilling holes in proper places and pour the ethanol

the torture you carry drenched in midnight ejaculation

self service, self rise, self satisfy, self depraved

narcissus and his pool of water-a swimming lesson

you are noxious when kind, napalm for the soul

great and mighty, papaver somniferum, the human equalizer

dripping, oozing, squirting madness onto trembling hands

but today your taste does not linger in my mouth

there is no fleeting euphoria of you swimming inside

as beautiful as you can appear, dear poppy,

your delicate petals swirling  lavenders, reds and pinks

springing from pale green pods-breath taking in every way

i now drift to sleep in the arms of true love

and i have never slept so soundly

 

 

words fall short

here in the wasteland of scorching heat

the plains of boiling bigotry and bitterness

where morality and kindness can be exchanged

there are dangerous creatures lurking

those who bask in the hate, highlighting the forked tongue

so often the beautiful, vibrant  allure of a well-honed predator

outshines the best of the loving, caring, compassionate creatures

we have no need for trickery

he is sweet and loving and kind

he cries when it hurts to be him

on his back are the footprints of his brothers and sisters in arms

those who promised to hold his life as their own

those who promised to hold his life as they would their beloved

in the end, he was alone, afraid, injured and left to die

come what may, because he is just a sentient being, child-like, trembling

what of the joker, the trickster, the speaker of my language

smiling through self torture, a private guantanamo bay

i don’t know what happened to you before

i don’t know what they said and didn’t say

but i know today you are beautiful and worthy and precious

despite the best of your efforts

too many before have sighed with resignation

turning fear of future failure and triumph into chains

but selling freedom for quasi-comfort is not fair exchange

when there are too many fish in a pond they suffocate

but settling is giving up more than life-that’s too easy

settling is taking your essence, your all truth, your all love

settling is bottling the space between chemical reactions

and selling it in walmart as the next teen star glitter body spray