ferris wheel & pink cotton candy

it’s a tumultuous feeling

calm

it seems like a lie

a temptation for tornadoes

to rip everything apart

leaving the soul barefoot

to navigate across shattered glass

quiet

a perfect indicator of emotional doom

the sniper in place

waiting for the order to fire

the ravens gather for the onslaught

serenity

leaving time for promises to die

giving way to mental destruction

defenseless, naked, unmasked, unaware

blind in a boxing match

peace

time to prepare myself

for the barbed wire dress

for the parade of the despised

amity

pacts and trusts in boxes

that i am unable to open

i don’t have the fucking key

i don’t have the fucking tools

harmony

what a bullshit mirage

put in place to make the thinking

go to doctors and hospitals

thorazine and depakote

frontal lobotomy life therapy

there is no comfort in joy

there is no contentment in tranquility

happiness is rotting flesh disguised with aromatherapy

 

seven principals of servitude

is there a secret place where culture vultures meet

do you wait outside the gates of broken banks on wallstreet

with leafletts recruiting the crème de la crème of sweet talkers

the automatons running on nothing but misery

smooth lickin’ mommas and papas living on the humanity of others

those sucking the last bit of trust and hope from souls

hunting for anything innocent or trusting

travelling packs of succubus and incubus delighting in destruction

well dressed, well groomed, well educated, well intending, well played

the descendants of cortez and columbus groves of lily white killers

but we are in trees watching, waiting, soon to extinguish your madness

graeae in small town oklahoma

we aren’t quite sure why

the what and the how are clear

but the essence of propulsion

the driving force

is locked in boxes in boxes in boxed in code

we have spent long nights in electric parlors

designing philosophies of pinpoint accuracy

anthropological physics drawing x&y equations

burning calories in conversational warfare

intellectual mechanics

churning

hopping

bopping

expelling ticker tape in ancient swirling symbols

the attempts of the few free minds

the psyches unchained, unhindered

the original mint condition cadillac of mentality

resorting to guessing games and scavenger hunts

all in the attempt to unearth the source of your madness

you are a plague, a pestilence, the fall of emotional economics

a brush fire among the dry mesquite of walking talking clowns

is there a new disease unleashed

and you without an umbrella or vaccine

or is it a poison, radiation seeping

into the water flowing into your veins

a green, nuclear sludge from bullets and bombs

the idea of demonic possession almost valid

to those pragmatist toting atheist philosophies

your magnitude can make the devil appear

your evil wicked cruelty makes demons cringe

is it the ghost of ancient cultures and dinosaurs extinct

haunting the halls in your mind, howling and scratching

did they forget your shiny new toy in your happy meal

you and yours, kindred souls nestled in hate

created by the capture and drowning of angels

the most dangerous of all monsters

has a dazzling smile, loving eyes, grey hair

whispering hippie rhetoric

bringing in those poor saps who signed up for self sacrifice

your love of baked goods, cookies and grandchildren

your love of seeing the full explosion of pain and eruption of tears

the salty drops you collect in bottles living in the spice rack

bedazzling and beading injustice, degradation, cruelty and threats

your gaggle of witches and your coven of bitches

spreading nightmares and progressive famine

the clown with the red lips and the dumpy hips in the lead

the unassuming whispering nymph of poetry and pen

sporting the used pastel floral print dresses and bongs

because smoking weed and hemingway are the true blue

the new call of your battle

acapella escaping tiny mouths

belting out voices

saying the lines you placed in tiny brains

your club of unreasonable hatred and destruction

gluten free brunch for faux feminists

the flaunting of a new brand of cruel

call it surreal and fools fork over payola

there are those who see your clothed hatred

the time for unveiling has arrived with the mail

and you the hateful, the liars, the pretenders

you have been exposed and highlighted

the triple divinity with las vegas personas

the plastic skin bubbling and dripping off

exposing the suffering and loathing gooey middle

but your darkness cannot block the light

the moon still hangs bright in the night

friendship, comradery, an end to loneliness

are dazzling jewels of hope out of your reach

so do your dance

shake and jive

swing those hips

speak your hypnotic bullshit and flash the dentures bright

you the lying clan of agitators, the red wine stain of spite

 

 

psychic mummification-the hunting of my soul

a clan of thieves a den of vipers

devils rising out of the ground

riding the waves of lava and destruction

emmitting sulfer and fire from every pore

engulfing all existing in the toxic

caustic fumes dripping the life off bones

the children effected and taught the lies

of self loathing and self doubt, feeling unworthy

it is criminal what you have done to them

what you have done to me and mine

the never ending battle against self

for the legitimacy of self preservation

leaving the question “what am i worth?”

the answer is a shiny sign in neon lights

“you are worth nothing, zero, zilch, noda”

so life is adjusted, changed, forced evolution

no longer willing or able to go into the store

or the bakery and definitely not the beauty shop

living under pseudonyms wearing wigs and glasses

don’t look anyone in the eye, head down

rouge and lipstick a shadow here a highlight there

and paint on the eyebrows with liquid coal

maybe they won’t see  or recognize, unable to recall

maybe it will just be another person in a car

life and love readjusted, family rebuilt

ego shattered, 100 shards are all that remain

bound, tied and collected the duct tape holding it all

the terrible darkness that is you and your club

a concept born within me

surviving on my blood sweat and tears

it’s intention

a respite from the hateful, an oasis, refuge, retreat

a community bound together

meeting, talking, supporting, picnics in the park

dances, laughter, karaoke and birthday songs

it was naive of me not to see the insidious nature

the treacherous killer lurching behind the scenes

rumors, ghost stories and lies

created to tell the others

provoking fear and disgust

aimed directly at my head, just one clean shot

relocating, name change, and body guard

somehow you manage to find me among

the millions of people

sniffing me out, circling closer

a group of sharks ready to feed

no apologies offered for the threats to my son

for the injustices forged

not even a whisper of regret slips from your mouth

no remorse, no excuses

the funeral for the one i was before all of this-

the passionate, loving,funny girl

brave and full of excitement

a silly carbon based idiot with dreams of equality

last rites of that person performed months ago

all that is left a hollow shell and jaded memory

the pride and joy and friendships and love

all gathered together, a pile of the old me

a few gallons of gasoline strike the match

leaving suffocating smoke and the smell of flesh

the smell of destruction hanging in the air

then you come asking for help, hands cupped

a handout from the bitch who breaks laws of humanity

a bitch you burned at the stake, someone dead

i don’t think i want to know you any more than i do

i don’t think i want to be in your fucked up crew

really appreciate the thought and all but hell no

there will be no more chances handed out

there is one thing that i can guarantee, a pact and promise

the next time i see you my fist will smash your face

i will know the taste of your skin and flowing of your blood

i will rip your trachea out and tie your forked tongue

you might want to forget me, it’s in your best interest

to stay clear because the monster left inside my skin

will gleefully make you pay, and when i am done

i will sing and laugh as i dance upon your grave

the big tent filling up w spectators, bring on the freakshow that is me

i do believe i am a jester

brought to court to entertain

those without love or imagination

i am to sing and dance

slipping and sliding so people feel good

i must decorate large buildings

for the main act, coming to you live

in five, four, three, two, one

it’s the destruction of the person

who is the mother of my children

well for good measure let’s get the kids too

being a monster

a shadow of fragments

animated by use of alchemy

if that can turn dirt to diamonds

surely there is an incantation

allowing me to be something more

until just hours ago i still believed in fairy tales

the savior the maiden and the happily ever after

in the fairy tale i have repeated

on a loop playing over an over again

i was the beautiful princess denied love

but when cataclysmic events go down others flee

i have been denied for so long

it is just the permanent state of affairs

i stand here showing the signs of hatred

my body torn and dripping blood on the white carpet

standing in scarlet pools smelling of metal

you would think after

all this time

all this effort

all this fight

all this love

a knife would be an unnecessary item

my organs are no longer doing their jobs

what makes them think i should go through

all the pain

all the hope

all the fear

not to mention the complete annihilation

of the small bit i have left of my ego

why is dignity so far away when hate comes knocking

the love died in the cold

forgotten and lost

mourning for the loss so they can say

“i remember all those times she…”

“i loved her so much!  why did she do this?”

your concoction making sure to smile

despite what it is today the hate and loathing

tomorrow is a brand new day holding onto

the assurance a better strain of hate is coming

i am not worth the risk or the headache

i am not worth any dignity or respect

i wish they would just do it already

apparently it has already been decided

my end my final hurrah in the wold

i cannot a navigate a maze covered in fog

putting sugar on shit doesn’t make it candy

i am a pig wearing makeup but just a pig all the same

just with bright red lips and nails it muffles the sound

trying to cover the curly tail and squealing

a pig is good at one thing-eating

i can’t even do that correctly, up to snuff

i don’t belong there is no group

rational, sane people call for the death

of my ego, or my body, either would do fine

the votes are in, and it was a landslide victory

you won, good game, and i will now bow out

as a broken toy a bit of garbage

unacceptable and compostable

i am drowning as the blood rise above my shoulders

holding me down like a boulder tied around my legs

only intuition left forcing me to  breathe against my will

the false bravodo, the lies of love and ever after

it all goes away somehow, all leaving

there are people who have ceremonies helping

the older people, the wise ones cross

or the young ones with nothing left to lose

no one shows up, they pay mourners

it is undignified to do anything else

but where was the dignity and morality in life

how many people stopped and cared?

for so long i was a person who cared

i was a person who loved and trusted

now i am a vessel a mass put together

with molecules that attach perfectly

i look like a person, nose and mouth

eyes and shoulders in the proper place

the only difference in what i am and the other ones

is that i am no longer willing to pretend this

play full of actors and characters set to their own parts

repeating words told to them for so long to say

nothing behind it, sounds and influxtion a mouth moving

with nothing worth a shit coming out

sometimes there is the look of laughter and happiness

but these are the most prevaricate times

a worm on a hook loving nothing more

than the pulling of life from the safety found

with the waltz of something lovely

dancing around and hiding the danger

there was a time i thought i knew

all the steps all the motions and every motivation

now i am lost and scared and on the verge

maybe i will get lost in my dreams

where the pain is optional and quite avoidable

there is nothing left

no friend no lover no purpose

my accomplishments stolen and evolved

into something nasty and full of hate

my love freely given never enough

the pretending the play of life

a desperate attempt for you to avoid the loneliness

just a hobby until something better comes along

the worst thing that i can do is stay

in this in this form

in this mode

to hope and believe is the most devastating

the one that will shred the soul and self

it has no sense of proportion or boundaries

i  have lifted the white flag in hopes

of stopping the massacre of myself

the pleas and begging for love

my knees scraped and bruised

a permanent act of contrition

praying on rosary beads

and lighting candles

all in the hopes of a truce

of a chance at hope

regardless of the begging

and the compromises

and the rearrangements

the sacrifices given in homage to you

there is nothing to give as a burnt offering

i have nothing of worth

it’s all bloated and decaying

emitting a smell of death

before the blood stops moving

washing my hands clean

tireless efforts of avoidance

my ego thinning

refusal to use the name

given to me as my first gift

from my father

disgust and fear and loss

fragile and worn

battered by the ocean

of social commentary`

created by goblins

human in appearance

hiding in corners

my eyes forced downward

to the floor

becoming intimate with infamy

that is not mine to bear, to feel, to know

this shame, mistrust, arrogance

belongs to creatures of moonless nights

loss of sanity and sanctity

at the hands of tools and cronies

dolos and apate with claws piercing

despite knowledge

despite honor

despite love

given freely

dipping the cup into the river

splashing through the core of me

the fable was rewritten

in a language foreign and vague

told by false prophets

over ice cold bud light and gin

my retreat solid cold steel

my defeat commemorated in stone

while the victors dance

i will learn

to love the wasteland

warning: lies and hatefulness throughout article

warning: lies and hatefulness throughout article

it is hard for me to imagine how ppl became so hateful.  is it sheer ignorance or is it by choice?  there is a part of me that wants to hold onto the idea that these ppl are just stupid.  but the reality is the effect of their actions is the same no matter what the cause of the actions are-discrimination, lies, deceit, violence, oppression.

in this article, the united nations declaration of human rights is mentioned.  and while sexuality and gender expression are not strictly outlined in the declaration, there are several categories in which these two issues can fall, and the overall tone of the constitution is avidly in support of equality for all persons.  the fact is that when drafted in 1945 there was no huge movement of gay and trans rights.  this is now 2013, and we have proven through natural and social sciences that these issues are, in fact, real and the ppl are not making a choice.  scientist have encountered not only homosexual activities in the animal kingdom (this is not exclusive to animals using sex as domination, many animal species have same sex relations for comfort) but also certain animals who are male and present as female and vise versa.  so until someone can explain to me, that a bird has the ability to act unnaturally and against nature, i hold the belief that being queer and trans is a natural element within certain living sentient beings, and is therefore not a choice that is made, it is one living by one’s true perceptions and feelings, in which the declaration of human rights outlines throughout.

now onto the nasty parts of the article-rape.  i cannot claim that there has never been a case of rape by someone dressed as the opposite gender.  i cannot say that.  i am sure there has been.  it is disgusting and vile. to judge transgender or gender variant ppls on the basis of some random acts of sociopaths is despicable.  let’s look at some real statistics on rape.

  • 52% of rapists are white
  • 99% of rapist are male
  • 73% of rapist were known to the victim
  • the average age of a rapist is 31 years old

so according to these statistics found on the rape abuse incest national network’s website http://www.rainn.org/ the ppl we need to actually be looking out for are white men that we know who are about 30 years old.  i google searched in several different forms transgender rape, transgender sexual assault, transgender rapists, and the overwhelming fact is transwomen are more likely to get raped than most women.  the only results that came up when googled about trans ppl being the perpetrators of sexual assault was the article about how the transgender rights bill in maryland did not lead to rapes.  so, the facts are that there is no increase in sexual assaults by giving trans-ppl and gender queer ppl rights to use bathrooms and locker rooms.  the numbers of sexual violence committed by trans ppl are so low they are not even considered in the statistics.

it is time we get real about things!  it is time to look at the reality of situations and not relying on lies and outdated mentalities perpetrated by privileged ppls to keep the ball in their court and alienate “the others”.