i do believe i am a jester
brought to court to entertain
those without love or imagination
i am to sing and dance
slipping and sliding so people feel good
i must decorate large buildings
for the main act, coming to you live
in five, four, three, two, one
it’s the destruction of the person
who is the mother of my children
well for good measure let’s get the kids too
being a monster
a shadow of fragments
animated by use of alchemy
if that can turn dirt to diamonds
surely there is an incantation
allowing me to be something more
until just hours ago i still believed in fairy tales
the savior the maiden and the happily ever after
in the fairy tale i have repeated
on a loop playing over an over again
i was the beautiful princess denied love
but when cataclysmic events go down others flee
i have been denied for so long
it is just the permanent state of affairs
i stand here showing the signs of hatred
my body torn and dripping blood on the white carpet
standing in scarlet pools smelling of metal
you would think after
all this time
all this effort
all this fight
all this love
a knife would be an unnecessary item
my organs are no longer doing their jobs
what makes them think i should go through
all the pain
all the hope
all the fear
not to mention the complete annihilation
of the small bit i have left of my ego
why is dignity so far away when hate comes knocking
the love died in the cold
forgotten and lost
mourning for the loss so they can say
“i remember all those times she…”
“i loved her so much! why did she do this?”
your concoction making sure to smile
despite what it is today the hate and loathing
tomorrow is a brand new day holding onto
the assurance a better strain of hate is coming
i am not worth the risk or the headache
i am not worth any dignity or respect
i wish they would just do it already
apparently it has already been decided
my end my final hurrah in the wold
i cannot a navigate a maze covered in fog
putting sugar on shit doesn’t make it candy
i am a pig wearing makeup but just a pig all the same
just with bright red lips and nails it muffles the sound
trying to cover the curly tail and squealing
a pig is good at one thing-eating
i can’t even do that correctly, up to snuff
i don’t belong there is no group
rational, sane people call for the death
of my ego, or my body, either would do fine
the votes are in, and it was a landslide victory
you won, good game, and i will now bow out
as a broken toy a bit of garbage
unacceptable and compostable
i am drowning as the blood rise above my shoulders
holding me down like a boulder tied around my legs
only intuition left forcing me to breathe against my will
the false bravodo, the lies of love and ever after
it all goes away somehow, all leaving
there are people who have ceremonies helping
the older people, the wise ones cross
or the young ones with nothing left to lose
no one shows up, they pay mourners
it is undignified to do anything else
but where was the dignity and morality in life
how many people stopped and cared?
for so long i was a person who cared
i was a person who loved and trusted
now i am a vessel a mass put together
with molecules that attach perfectly
i look like a person, nose and mouth
eyes and shoulders in the proper place
the only difference in what i am and the other ones
is that i am no longer willing to pretend this
play full of actors and characters set to their own parts
repeating words told to them for so long to say
nothing behind it, sounds and influxtion a mouth moving
with nothing worth a shit coming out
sometimes there is the look of laughter and happiness
but these are the most prevaricate times
a worm on a hook loving nothing more
than the pulling of life from the safety found
with the waltz of something lovely
dancing around and hiding the danger
there was a time i thought i knew
all the steps all the motions and every motivation
now i am lost and scared and on the verge
maybe i will get lost in my dreams
where the pain is optional and quite avoidable
there is nothing left
no friend no lover no purpose
my accomplishments stolen and evolved
into something nasty and full of hate
my love freely given never enough
the pretending the play of life
a desperate attempt for you to avoid the loneliness
just a hobby until something better comes along
the worst thing that i can do is stay
in this in this form
in this mode
to hope and believe is the most devastating
the one that will shred the soul and self
it has no sense of proportion or boundaries
i have lifted the white flag in hopes
of stopping the massacre of myself
the pleas and begging for love
my knees scraped and bruised
a permanent act of contrition
praying on rosary beads
and lighting candles
all in the hopes of a truce
of a chance at hope
regardless of the begging
and the compromises
and the rearrangements
the sacrifices given in homage to you
there is nothing to give as a burnt offering
i have nothing of worth
it’s all bloated and decaying
emitting a smell of death
before the blood stops moving