soak in the water to clean your soul

the loneliness is bitter enough

to break the best built psyches

it is acidic-torture, leaving nothing

but burned blistered broken heart

those few proven loyal friends

they are found on television reading

the best mediocrity has to offer

but it is something, anything

superficial empathy, glazed words hiding truth

i am a miscreant, i am a chimera

those who take oaths and pledge love and loyalty

those i trusted to lock arms with

comrades are the first to be busy

alliances forged through epic battles of morality

but allies can be compromised and contracts burned

before the smoke clears the legions

those once brothers and sisters

stand at the ready to destroy

once seen there is no self delusion left

the only course of action is to decide how to

make your final bow






then it all makes sense

the rumble jumble

quality and quirkiness

those who aren’t plastic

or fillers

the ones of substance

the beauty that stands the test of time

living shadows with form

they are known on sight

since birth, comprehension

nameless faceless loves

floating through cellular structure

like a feather on the ocean

seemingly meaningless

but causing shifts

turning worlds

killing parts

sprouting life into others

there is a part that belongs

in with beside, beyond

they are on a visa in the core

vacationing in the love and life

the all the critical the truth

they are the rivers

carving canyons into the crux

herbivores carnivores omnivores

each new and unique and oh so too much

painted princesses and women warriors

princes of compassion and equality

those brave champions of nonconformity

living beyond feminine and in masculine

the zenith of humanity-beautiful and smart

the fairy laughing sparkles who is water

bring water to my parched soul,

hearts, legs, lungs that burst from within:

the golden angel of love and rich insights,

the wise and strong emotional sampson,

the boy who brings comfort and warmth;

the lovely woman studying the stars and living in my son’s heart,

the captain of intellects-best friend and arch enemy,

my hero in all aspects: sage, poet, mother, philosopher

brave, brawn, brainy, beautiful, bad-ass,

the man strong enough and right enough and good enough

to love a powerhouse woman,

the empathetic boy feeling the pain and shame for them,

the young lady so smart and so sure and so beautiful,

the mother-figure who is the loudest quiet person

expressing herself in symbols and haunting looks,

the beautiful girl being split apart by outside forces

who will never know her potential because of the lies,

the friend who carries me when illness or insanity take over,

the woman good enough to love him truly,

the master of psychology and walking kindness,

the man who will not pause when wrongs need righting,

the mellow storyteller who is a soft blanket,

a damsel painting profiles on bathroom walls,

the gal living in new orleans creating cosmos,

my dearest chainsaw wielding friend with dancing eyes,

the nomad, the herder, the singer, the dancer, the sign carrier…..

each and every one turning wheels and brave, never stopping or pausing

never thinking the job is done because there is always more

it’s jung and synchronicity

anam cairde cogar sa dorchadas-

soul friends whisper in darkness

god is a duck

duck god

i am overwhelmed right now.  i woke up this morning to a barrage of insanity on my facebook page.  a hell-fire of christian v atheist knock down drag out over a potato that was in the shape of a duck w the captioning that says “this is obviously the sign of a higher power.  which proves god is real and a duck.”  and so it began.

i personally am a unitarian universalist, which is more of a meshing of philosophies w each individual’s concept of god or a higher power or lack thereof.  there is no deity or one book that uu’s work out of, but it does draw it’s philosophies from different religious and philosophical backgrounds.

like many other ppl who have found sanctuary in the uu faith, i suffer from my own past history w christianity or cross cringe.  growing up in a catholic family for the better part of my childhood, until age 10, indoctrinates many beliefs and a great amount of shame and self loathing.  i stopped going to church when my parents were divorced-the catholic church granted the divorce for my father-meaning he could marry again within the church-but not my mother.  i cannot explain why this happened, i just know that it did.  when i would question biblical scripture, i was pretty much told that it is quite out of line and that sort of thinking will lead you to an absence from jesus.  i had a really hard time working this around in my young brain.  i simply could not understand why questioning was bad.  i pulled away, not only from catholicism but from christianity in general.  i read the bible several times, trying to determine if there was any part of it i could align myself, the way i was, with.  the closest i got was the sermon on the mount when jesus revealed the eight beautitudes.  other than that it seemed like a historical fiction, somewhat like gone w the wind.

ghandi once said “i like your christ.  i do not like your christians.  they are nothing like your christ.”  that saying resonates within my heart.  i have no personal dislike for christianity.  i just don’t believe that it is the real and only path, but i have met many ppl who draw comfort from the ideas of christianity, and i see absolutely nothing wrong w that.  i think that anything that can give you a spark in this world isn’t all that bad.  the problem seems to fall into the hands of christian radicals, but the church and christianity itself is becoming more liberal and accepting of new ideas.  the days of witch burning is coming to a close.

so the duck meme caused a ruckus.   at first it was a kid who i have gone back and forth with on his extremely catholic views and his self hatred bc he is gay.  then one of my dearest friends added his two cents worth into the mix, which sparked a husband and wife duo into a feeding frenzy with hatred at the helm.  the man said all christians should be murdered, they are inherently bad and ignorant.  my dear friend jace defended his religious views but that just lent to more hatefulness, name calling and the justification for such ideas that are violent such as wanting the head of all christians because christians were oppressive to other ppls, they were at the very center of every world catastrophe ever.  this is true, for the most part, not fully but you know it is pretty accurate since the establishment of the council of nicea.  jace was not saying that anyone should feel that they have to be christian, only that he felt aligned w that theology.  the other man was very adamant in his hatefulness against all christian based ideals using hate speech and terroristic threats toward my friend.  it was utterly ridiculous and quite cruel and hypocritical. “i want to kill christians bc they have killed other ppl!”

i have seen this sort of thinking before, and although i am not a christian i see nothing wrong w ppl following and relying on jesus, it’s when ppl try to harness you into their theology that i have personal issue w.  the actions of radical christians in response to their really screwed up interpretation of the bible has also been a major problem i have seen.  and although some christians are demeaning and debasing, it is not all christians, and automatically hating them is  as bad as christians automatically hating gay ppl.

the woman and her husband blocked me.  she wrote her opinion out in an email then blocked me so i could not respond.  and it makes me incredibly sad bc i was just getting to know this woman and i was starting to count her as a friend.  i have lost so many friends in the past 8 months.  i can’t help but think there is something inherently wrong w me as a human being and the way i align myself.  i am not sure that i want friends, at least not friends here.  i have cried all day bc of this.  at this time i believe the only course of action i can take is to just stay away from all ppl who don’t live in this house.  i am sure our mutual “friends” will be choosing a side alienating at least one of us, or spending their time w me talking about her and her faults and spending their time w her talking about me and my faults.  i don’t think i can deal w these sorts of things anymore.

magical machias


along the northern coast of the atlantic ocean lies a sleepy little town called machias, maine.  the town is filled with magic and wonderment and fairies named bees.  a community tightly sewen together with stitches of imagination and compassion, it is the most fabulous place in all the lands!

hive house

clark perry house-beehive homebase

beehive poster tour

beehive on tour

i moved to machias on earth day 2011 to be with my partner amy.  she moved there to go to college (the college there is well known for it’s marine biology dept) where she studied sports and recreation-this is not a fairy tale there is a major for sports and rec!  although she had been out of school for several years, she hung around.  it is a town of about 1,000 ppl, with very little in the way of economic opportunities.  there is atlantic salmon fishing, lobster catching, seaweed harvesting and blueberry opportunities in the summer, apple opportunities in the fall, and collecting tips for the wreath industry in the winter.   most of these are done by migrant workers and none of these are simple!  there are a few local restraunts-helens, the bluebird, panda house, and another chinese food joint, and a subway, dunkn donuts (a staple in new england), a mcdonalds and they just opened a newish pizza place.  you can also grab some food at the whole food store, the thirsty moose which is the local bar or the mobile gas station.  for the most part, all jobs are filled.  if you can get a job at the college you are a lucky ducky.  but despite it’s way too high unemployment rating, machiasians never go without.                       

there is an art collective settled in the heart of town and they do so much for the community.  the beehive collective calls machias home.  they were constantly hosting events free and open to the public.  the grange hall-a two story building that was used by a secret society of farmers back in the day to help each other out and keep the bankers at bay-is right next to bad little falls and the place most community actions took place.  there were community dinners, music nights, dance classes, sleep overs, poetry readings.  the grange is used for story telling, workshops and concerts.

the historic machias grange

the historic machias grange

blackfly ball

blackfly ball

clark perry house/beehive homebase during work party

clark perry house/beehive homebase during work party

there were no homeless in machias.  the ppl would not allow that to happen.  when someone was in need of help, the town pulled together and helped them.  we would donate our returnable bottles to a family, have a benefit concert (which was never hard to do, the area has a tremendously talented population of artists), donate money or food….when one person in the community was in trouble the community was in trouble.  we helped each other without a second thought.

we had community gardens throughout town.  you could walk down the street and pick an apple from a tree and eat it.  the garden that i grew was open to everyone, and everyone helped me tend it.  if you were bored you could go to the big garden on court street across from the beehive house and weed the garden and help harvest

amy was a part of an all lesbian band for several years-hurricane bertha.  they would play shows locally and occasionally travel to larger towns and play there.   every year they played at the rainbow ball-a prom for lgbtqa youth from all over maine..  right before i moved to machias hurricane bertha got a token straight guy as their lead guitarist.

hurricane bertha

hurricane bertha

amy also was a founding member of a co-ed fraternity.  they were a civil rights fraternity.  they were a family, comrades, friends.  they helped host the rainbow ball along with the lgbtqa group on campus the 100% society.  they marched every year in portland pride.  they also hosted workshops on social issues and helped with the annual aids walk.

when in maine i met some of the most loving, caring, best ppl i know.  my friends are awesome!  crissy and her husband jace.  jace is a recently transitioning male, and crissy is his wife who is supporting him all the way.  jace would come over and we would talk about transitioning, what is male and what is female and the social stigma of each, he is one of my dearest friends and i love both of them so much. benjamin and lois-ann.  benjamin is also a recently transitioning male and lois-ann is his wife.   lois-ann is a psychology professor at the college.  benjamin was another of the founding members of the fraternity and was in hurricane bertha with amy.  lindsay.  lindsay was a park ranger and a swimming instructor.  nikki.  nikki was an olive skinned girl of italian decent who was a member of the beehive; she would come to the house, we would eat and talk about books.  erin.  erin, another bee, was one of the funniest ppl i know!  she was famous for doing “wonderboy” by tenacious d at the weekly karaoke in a style that is all erin featuring leg kicks, spins, and fist clenching.  christine.  christine, a bee, is an amazing person who exudes femininity.  she was like a walking earth goddess.  we would garden together and cook together.  jenny penny.  jp is a musical genius!  she can play pretty much every instrument but is fluent on the guitar, banjo, accordion, bass, keyboards, and drums.  she is also the queen of polka.  kehben.  kehben is a quiet woman filled to the brim with compassion.  she is a founding member of the beehive collective and has a vivid imagination.  her vision is beyond compare.  matt.  matt, another bee, is the nicest guy i think i have ever met.  he always has a smile on his face!  o and he is a great pancake recipe tester!  nichole.  nichole is amy’s best friend, and is hilarious.  she and i didn’t become friends though until amy and i moved from away from maine, which i regret alot.  most of that was my fault.  i didn’t give nichole much of a chance.  library ben.  library ben is maybe the smartest guy in maine.  on game night he beat everyone by miles at all the word games-scrabble boggle were his best.  he knew words and books and he loved putting a ton of ginger in his food.  nate.  nate was the bee primarily working on the latest poster while we were in machias.  there would be weeks in which we did not see nate bc he was in the studio.  he lived in the treehouse at the beehive.  he ended up having a motorcycle accident and stayed at our house bc the hive was hosting it’s annual workparty and was taken over by anarchist activists from all corners of the world and there was no way he could heal in those conditions.  brea.  brea was erin’s best friend and nate’s smooching partner.  she was brassy and fun.  she stayed with us for most of the time nate did, tending to his wounds.  but she ate all the chips!  brea!!!! (fist shake) carles. amy and i found carles walking down the street.  the workparty had just started and so ppl were piling into our sleepy village by the dozens.  walking down the steet, shoulders drawn due to the weight of his backpack was carles.  he couldn’t find the hive house, so we scooped him up and took him there.  he is from spain and he is a EXTREMELY talented artist, and the prettiest boy i have ever seen, ever.  zigga.  zigga was friends with erin and came to machias to build the new beehive website.  he was smart, pretty, queer and young.  i loved going for walks with zigga.  he reminded me so much of my oldest son eli.  i should also add that zigga was a fantastical pool player, and always had at least 2 tools on him at all times-zigga we still have your flashlight!  cole.  cole showed up for the work party.  nikki came to my house a couple of days in and said “you have to meet cole!  they are the coolest in the world!” i was so confused bc they generally implies more than one, so i thought nikki had grouped a couple of ppl together and named them all cole.  i had just finished reading “cunt a declaration of independence” and i was stuck on trying to identify masculine and feminine without the use of social constraints.  and here comes cole into my life.  cole was the first real gender queer person i had ever met, and they are so open and honest and really knowledgeable!  they sat in our living room and let me grill them for hours over the subject.  i never really got a black and white answer to the questions i posed, bc there is no black and white answers at all, but we had so much fun!  this is not a complete list….this is just the beginning.  there are so many more ppl!!!!

erin brea carles and ben

friends:brea, carles, ben, and erin

jace and crissy

jace and crissy

benjamin and lois ann

benjamin and lois ann



the one the only jenny penny

the one the only jenny penny



at fundraiser in east machias with mike, nicole, kehben, jenny penny, amy and i

at fundraiser in east machias with mike, nicole, kehben, jenny penny, amy and i

amy and i with lauren!!!!

amy and i with lauren!!!!

christine and nate

christine and nate

cole christine and nikki

cole christine and nikki

allen and ranger lindsay

allen and ranger lindsay

the backdrop for our lives was the most beautiful nitch of nature ever!  having lived in texas and oklahoma my entire life, i was not used to alot of rain, and it is wicked wet all the time in maine.  the grass is green and soft, unlike what i was used to-yellow and stickery.  there were trees everywhere!  driving down the street felt like mother nature was giving you a big, warm hug.  right at the turn of june that lilacs begin to bloom and the entire state smells of sweetness.  there are flowers called lupins that grow 3 feet tall and wild orange poppies!  there was a vacant lot across the street from our house where wild rhubarb grew! there is a beach called jasper’s beach that has no sand-it is made completely of semi-precious stones.  when the waves come in it sounds as though the ocean is applauding your presence.  there is only one other beach in the world like this one and it is in japan.  the grange sat right on the mouth of a small river, the machias river, at the waterfalls-bad little falls.  the river met the ocean and there was a swirl of foamy reaction from the fresh water mixing with the salt water.  it looked as though someone had put mr bubbles in the water.  deer wondered through town, watching out for moose was a constant, and once amy and i saw a whale from shore.  bats, foxes, bears, eagles, hawks were all common.  we would spend evenings hanging out by a campfire, laughing, telling jokes and stories.

bad little falls

bad little falls

i love maine.  i can’t wait to move back.  in machais amy and i were the “normal” people.  we had a house where our friends could come to escape from the activist world for a bit.  in oklahoma, we are the activist.  we are considered radical.  i ammend that, i am considered radical bc the way we lived in maine is the way i want to live my life.  i won’t let ppl be hungry.  if i see someone in trouble i feel i need to help to the best of my ability.  living in community with neighbors and friends is how we are intended to live.  we don’t need a leader or a spokesperson, we can settle disputes over a good bowl of soup.

machias in winter

machias in winter

extra info on machias:

  • there are more lesbians per capita in the machias area than anywhere else in the entire world
  • allen coffee brandy is the official drink of maine
  • peepers
  • the mist will get you
  • bats in maine are not the size of bats you see in scooby doo cartoons but amy will never admit that
  • raw milk is normal there
  • sustainable farming
  • flannel is a must
  • carhart is the most popular brand name
  • everything is uphill both ways-for reals
  • the official food is shepherds’ pie
  • moose are magical mystical creatures who have their own lodges

other friends who need mentioning:

  • emily-agent-superstong lady who is wicked smart beautiful and able to fend off appendicitis for weeks while doing the work party and the blackfly ball
  • leslie chick and celia-a couple who were so cool and musically talented
  • allen-musical genius and mad hatter
  • lauren-one of the most beautiful voices in all the land
  • sean-big burly bearded pirate who hands out backrubs in abundance
  • lis clark-a great lady who works w lgbtqa youth
  • beatrice-a bee who looks just like helena  bonham carter with red hair and the most wonderful smell in the whole world!!!!
  • liz sullivan-nichole’s girlfriend, she works hard, goes to school and loves to run
  • sabor-lanscaping artist who avoids angles and works primarily with curves
  • susan-sabor’s mom and owner operator of obadiah’s a cool ass shop/food joint
  • stephanie, lauren, jenn-pirates who will steal your left shoes
  • sam-ladies’ man extraordinare
  • sam gaddis-young fella at all the functions
  • fred-the guy with the solar panel trike who hangs out on the dyke and smokes cigerettes.  super cool fred!!!!!
  • gay take out-real name riverside take out but known to all as gay takeout!!  best sweet potato fries and onion rings!
  • linda-played a in a few different bands/projects with jenny penny and has a voice like janis joplin!  that lady can belt it out!
  • ayrca- a transwoman who gives educational workshops on transitioning and trans issues.  she also gives the best ever camping haircuts known to humankind!

highschool all over again

i remember high school vividly, despite the large quantity of drugs and alcohol i consumed.  i have some fond memories, like some of my teachers were super nice and i loved learning.  the learning was great!  looking at the inside of a dead cat was cool!  being exposed to some really good literature was good!  but socially school sucked!  not a little but a whole lot!

i had a few friends.  they were good ppl and i love them still to this day!  as a matter of fact, i talk to them on a semi-regular basis.  but they were few and far between.

i was a punk rock kid, a nerd, and a loudmouth.  there were other punks, skaters, new wavers, hipster kids at my school.  there was a group of punk kids who hung out together, and boy did i think they were the coolest ppl in the world!  but they hated me.  they tormented me and made me the butt of their jokes on a daily basis.  a few of them lived in my neighborhood.  there was a guy named jonas who lived on this little side street that was right off a pretty busy street.  he was one of the coolest of the cools, a pretty boy who played guitar and did alot of acid.  i would go down his street bc at the end there was a little wooded area and i would smoke weed back there.  but if there was a blue vw bug with a red stripe of a few other cars i had to find another place to smoke.  i learned that by thinking i could just walk past and they would not notice, but instead of just letting me walk through they ran after me and threw rocks at me.  once while waiting in line in the student center the cool ppl came up and spit on me-all of them- in my hair, my face my eyes.  i will never forget how that felt.  all this eased up when ted interjected on my behalf.  he was a gnarly 6 ft 4.5 inch fella and he was the king of punk rock.   another thing that happened was i met bands from different parts of tx and they would come and play shows, sometimes at this coffee shop i hung out in and sometimes at my house.  the kids who tortured me would show up at my house and drink my beer and do my dope.  i didn’t have enough self esteem really to do anything about it.

i am now 37 years old.  i have a family and i have many friends, the majority of whom live scattered across the globe.  locally, i live in the same atmosphere i did in high school.  but these are not over-privileged white teenage males and their groupies.  the cool kids are really adults who systematically and with forethought alienate and debase me on a regular basis.  they are ppl who are considered good ppl, they are ppl who i have done social work with, they are well read, articulate ppl.  they are ppl i have given my last $40 bucks to bc they needed help, that have walked into my home and eaten the food i cooked.  they say horrendous things about me, accusing me of some of the lowest, most inhumane things a person can be accused of, knowing full well that what they are saying isn’t true. it is not misunderstood telephone rumors.  the ring leader of this whole deal is a woman who knows she is telling ppl lies based on something that other ppl did.  she maliciously rewrote history and distributed throughout the town.  i have been shunned.

most days i try not to think about it.  i stay in my house.  when i do venture out into the real world i keep my mouth shut.  i no longer introduce myself to ppl bc i have no idea what they have heard about me.  going grocery shopping is something that i tend to avoid bc you really can’t get away without running into someone that you know.  and i have kept my head on my shoulders, thinking that well, i have a few friends.  there are a couple of ppl who like me.  but sometimes  the glass is too full and the sludge spills out!

last night i was trolling around on facebook, and i noticed several of my friends were “going” to an open mic night.  a poetry night at a local bakery that just opened.  i had no idea that this event was going on!  even though several of my friends went, and it was an open event, i didn’t get invited.  it wasn’t even mentioned.  i like poetry and prose.  i like coffee and gluten free muffins.

amy tried to turn my frown upsidedown by telling me that the woman who is at the crux of the social nonsense was probably going, and that is why i wasn’t invited.  and she was going, i couldn’t help but look at the page and scroll through the 90+ ppl that were invited out to this event.  and even though i would not have gone, it hurts me very badly that i was not invited.  it was not even mentioned.

i would rather be spit on.