i went to the dr yesterday to have a sonogram done on my carotid arteries.  the dr thinks that maybe a cause in the falling down/passing out deal.

while getting ready to go, i noticed i was hyperaggro.  i was getting more and more upset the closer we got to walking out the door.  it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why i am feeling this way-i am fed fucking up!  i am losing my faith that this is something that is going away or even something they will label.  i am exhausted w the whole process and dealing w arrogant drs and techs and nurses, undergoing constant stupid tests, being probed, prodded and examined is mindnumbing!  all the while, i am sliding into an abyss of declining physical health i am losing my grasp on my life.

i am an active person.  i have good friends, i cook good food, i do good stuff for the places i live.  i tell good jokes, i have a good laugh, i wear good clothes (to me), i have a good partner and a good family life.  i like to go for good walks, tell good stories, take good naps, and have a good night’s sleep.  that is the me.  that is what i do.

now, i struggle to speak.  there are times i am trying to talk and it is literally incomprehensible.  the words formed in my brain will not come out my mouth, instead it is random grunts reminding me of someone who has had a stroke.  before this whole decline i was doing oral storytelling for kids, now i can barely have a conversation.  at the best of times i stutter immensely, repeating the same word over and over.  even having a telephone conversation is outta the question most of the time.

it is fall, and the temperature is perfect for taking a stroll down the street.  the leaves are turning and the smell that fills the air is intoxicating.  i am not walking and taking in the beauty of my favorite season.  i fall down randomly.  so if i go for a walk i must have a partner who is willing and able to carry me home.  my oldest son can do this, but how do you ask that?  it’s too much to ask for, your baby to carry you home.

even wearing clothes is iffy.  when i leave the house, i have the need to never wear the comfy jammies i run around the house in, and i must always always wear a bra.  this is torture sometimes, and enough for me to stay home so i don’t have the scratchiness of denim or the inside cluster of cotton against my skin.  every weave can be felt.  it is overwhelming to the senses.

i go to the dr at least once a month, to the gp.  plus tests, plus specialists.  we are holding our collective family breath for the neurologist in a week.  praying silent prayers to any deity who might be listening

,

anyone out there-to pleas let the neurologist have some sort of direction in which to steer us!  my family is grasping to hold onto a ray of light barely visible.  my hands can’t seem to grasp it any longer, i don’t even see it.  it just feels like a burden to try somedays.

the part of me that has always fought against everything is dwindling.  old thoughts and desires seem to be creeping into the cracks in my hope.  the idea of getting some relief from life seems more and more satisfying the more i slide downhill.  my cravings for a small respite, some good opiate sleep, is becoming more pervasive and a better part of my consciousness.  i have kept it at bay, refusing to even think about it, refusing to go to the drs i know will give me a shot, steering clear of certain ppl during certain times bc i know what i will be.  a zombie nodding out who doesn’t need to eat or drink or move.  a person who can’t think a thought to completion, a person who loses her voice and desire.   but somedays those things are ripped away from me without my consent, and i am left in pain and in a sea of despair.  somedays i need a lifejacket bc my feet can no longer tread this water.  the fight is running out of me.  i am tired.  i am losing a battle in which my enemy is myself, living inside me attacking me on all fronts, systematically killing my hope and happiness, my faith my desires and my will.  it is not fair to put my loves through another 5 year oblivion, and i know that.  that thought alone has sustained my sobriety this long.  the knowledge that seeing me fail at life gives them reason to falter is all i have left.  i am no longer holding on for myself, only for the loved ones.  hopefully they are enough.  today they are enough, or at least at this moment.  i don’t want to fall again, i don’t want to show them it’s over.