that one kid over there

the scars on forearms

shimmering under the fluorescent lights

shining bright scarlet

illuminating white

with each gasp for air

eyes rolled back

tormented ecstasy

insanity is the only safe place

for tongues twisted and forked

lies on lies on lies on lies on lies

legos and lincoln logs

playing jenga through the window

the aftermath of the afternoon

when the monsters come out to dance

to the wailing and screaming

your voice is their heartbeat

whispers to gods

foreign and unknown

they don’t dwell with you

in the hovel of inhumanity

hold the gospels in your thoughts

pray for a salvation

the cynical ghosts your only tie to laughter

where you are, dear child, is nowhere

in the quiet the demons cackle

in the tranquil the liars prowl

in the zen reliving rape and pillage

in the calm the evil crawls

sweet dreams

sleep tight

hope to never see daylight

 

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i seem to find you in the oddest places

i thought you would be gone

“a single drop of rain” as the sage sang

i stood in the rain for years searching

and there was no drop of you

i looked in other places

peacock feathers-that is a bit more your style

i tried to find you south of albuquerque

and in the little wichita river where your daddy died

i looked for you in the cemetery

i screamed your name at all four corners of the farm

i thought i was alone with my memories

and somedays that was enough

and somedays it broke me like brittle bone against rock

there was a part of me that waited

thinking you and your fucked up funny sense of humor

would make grand entrances at mundane times

maybe that will always be there

shit who knows-dealing with it all is hell

but i know you when the honeysuckle blossoms

i can almost see you next to me listening to our music

shelling peanuts and drinking diet coke

in pool sticks and horseshoe pits and beef tongues

sometimes i just want to lay my head on your shoulder

and sometimes i want to slap your face

but i miss you every moment

i see you in all of your grandchildren

i see you in me

and i am proud to be your little girl

it would be your birthday tomorrow

i think i will make a cake! 

it’s time to start celebrating again, daddy….

always hold onto the helium balloon

every minute ticked by

slowly

like a strung out snail

a turtle on heroin-time

looking through windows

at the lives of others

shivering and shaking

as they drank their swiss miss

from over-sized mugs

smelling of beets, patchouli and other organics

rosey cheeked fuckers with cream-like chins

dancing sparkling eyes and the proper bmi

every smile of delight made me shrink

the definition of me

lay solely

in the definition of they

but that ain’t life, man

the human being isn’t built

for the rat race

i stored my morals in my pocket

i pulled them out or tucked them in

depending on the who’s what’s when’s why’s where’s

the nouns and verbs of the situation

the only thing that can grow in nothing

is nothing

and that is all i was

nothing

and it’s too much to be nothing where you need to be anything but

so i charted and planned and catered

i was going out like a rocket ship and not a child’s balloon

then it was amazing

the most amazing of graces

there was a smile and a greeting

that was it…..

when there is a pair of nothings

you have something

and shit

that is a something to fucking believe in

we keep the door open

the light is on

and the fire is lit

there is bread out and cheeses

always look for warm drinks in winter and ice when the sun is high

everyone is someone

everything is something

in this place we are a band of miscreant ex-nothings creating a grand circus of delight

daddy’s girl

when i was a little girl

you would wake me up

every full moon

so we could howl together

with the coyotes

a little girl in pajamas

sleep in the corners of my eyes

shuffling over grass to the place

in the front yard set apart

from the rest

the howling post

a little spot of sacred ground

circle of hope and sadness

the birth and loss of another month

the moon, she knows the howling

the family standing in the yard

in the small texas town

when the moon was undressed

it was time to pay homage to her

then things changed as they do

lives in constant evolution

there was no more howling

the silence an eerie indicator

 

to stop howling meant separation

and separation meant loneliness

i was a little girl begging for hugs

birthday cards lost in the mail

gifts given with stipulations

the missing phone calls

you were the wind

just movin’ on down the line

i was just expendable

the throw away kid

too young to do much good

i did all i could

adapting at best

taking care of the little one

the tiny sister unable do it alone

the mother shattered by loss

locked away drunk, high, angry in her room

only learning you were in town

by the cruelty inflicted by your mother

bringing an audience to smile and laugh

at my gut wrenching pain and waterfall tears

your return was an unexpected surprise

there was no way to pause and restart

only forward momentum, no stopping to breathe

humiliation, rejection, passive aggressive actions

words said in a jeep on christmas

expression of hatred for the innocent

breaking the contract of compromise

it was my turn to forget and abandon

almost a decade of denial,

refusal to acknowledge you

sitting in my silent sadness

drowning in a pool of resentments

another evolution of life and love

the turning of the wheel of fate

forgiveness, comfort, empathy

your mortality evident and undeniable

you were not the god i made you

you were like the rest of us

fallible, arrogant, beautiful human

conversations in the backyard

phone calls during gunsmoke

songs sent through email

an understanding and acceptance

3 years of friendship and reality

listening to stories of the past

these times are the first in my memory bank

there are times i still cry, missing you

there are times i laugh, missing you

i still look at a full moon hanging in the sky

remembering the sound of your voice

and the twinkle in your blue eyes

and i howl from the depths of my soul

bullying to get your way

bullying to get your way

i wish i could say to my children that bullying will end when they are adults, grown up, established in a job, have a family of their own, and all that jazz, but i have this weird moral compass that refuses to allow me to lie to ppl, especially my kids.

there is going to be someone that is jealous of them somewhere at all times.  and just bc you reach the magical age of reason and rationale does not mean that you are going to use those qualities to navigate through the world.  childhood bullies grow up to become adult bullies.  and usually children bully bc they are bullied at home, leaving them powerless in a great majority of their life, therefore they reach for validation in other areas by pushing other ppl around.  it is a cycle of abuse leaving millions of bodies in the wake of the torture.

one thing we have done here is to discuss it openly.  we talk about the underlying causes of bullying and the long term effects that it has not only on the victim but on the bully also.  i encourage my children to take a stand for those they see being hunted.  sweeping this problem under the rug and excusing behavior bc boys will be boys or that is just what girls do, is telling everyone this is ok, it’s acceptable, it’s expected, and stop your bellyachin!  this rite of passage leaves scars on bodies, forces hands down throats, slices wrists, leaves kids turning to any means of numbness.  it is not a viable option for health and prosperity.  it is in fact torture.

 

having sex will cause you to die

 

sperm egg

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i have started looking forward to monday afternoons when my youngest son sam and his best friend will walk to the house.  see mondays are the days they get to learn about sex ed.  and bc i am a mom who has talked to her children since birth about sex, body parts, stds, pregnancy, and consent, they have a pretty good idea of what is real and what is just plain bullshit!  will’s parents are the same.  they come in the house so excited to tell me what kinda nonsense they learned!  it is funny to us mostly bc we are aware of the lie, but it is also scary bc for alot of ppl this maybe the only sex ed they receive.

last week’s topic was std’s.  they showed a penis with a terrible case of some green bumpy cauliflowery illness.  they showed a man with a cup of what appeared to be semen and said “this is what causes hiv and other std’s”.  they then went on to tell the kids that condoms are only effective 30%-50% of the time.  my assumption for these incredibly asinine stats is that if they told kids the truth they would be having orgies in the parking lot and all public restrooms would be spilling over with teen sex.  when in fact, the truth is, ppl are going to have sex,  yup they are,  if they think condoms are not a safe form of birthcontrol or that the odds are still against them, they will still have sex, it will just be wo a condom.

so today the boys came bouncing into the house full of new information!  they told me in very excited tones about how they were told that having sex would lead to suicide!  yup!  having sex will cause you to kill yourself.  they were told if they survived the trauma, they would most definitely have a kid, which will ruin their lives,  they were then told to put tape on their arm and pull it off.  then put it back on their arms, pull it off again.  “do you notice how it doesn’t stick as well the second time?  this is the same thing that will happen to you emotionally after having sex.”  hmmm…wow…

so our kids our being lied to-outright false data!  it is amusing in the sense that it is so far from accurate.  having sex w multiple partners will make you emotionally unattached when the time comes for you to fall in love, guaranteed pregnancy, teen fatherhood and motherhood, hiv caused by semen….

i can’t wait to find out what we learn next week!