one too many slaps to the face

i might be broken….

i might have just done wrong

who knows…

the yelling

the fighting

the shaking

it gets old

decades and decades

bucket-fulls of promises

oceans full of lies

i have been tumbling down the stairs

head over heels

heels over head

dress flying up

and no panties on

the degradation of my sensibilities

high power erosion to das über-ich & das es

quite reminiscent of  a study in theory

good ol’ sigmund’s wet dream

a modern day greek tradgedy of familial replacements

my dad, your mom, chaos, tears, too little time

rock and roll, psychoanalysis

addictions replacing masturbation

i am tired

worn thin

and too fat

i don’t know how to care today

i don’t know how to not give a shit

somehow you are in my nature

but so is a love for whiskey, beer and opiates

i have harnessed myself, purged and detoxed

sometimes it comes down to the soul-search

scattergories of lifetime examination

then ceremonious purification by fire

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erosion of my stone heart

i thought we would hold hands forever

i have fought your demons and monsters

begging and bargaining to keep you safe

processed pressed turkey loaf and instant tea

plastic spoons for everyone’s protection

i walk the memories in the hallway of my mind

i find pictures of who we used to be

the romanticized versions of the you and the me

i have always been able to tell myself lies

i tried to love you sane

i wanted to love you happy

i wished to love you to life

but i am not enough to live for you

i took the belt, the shame, the wrath

when he exploded in blind rage

i wouldn’t eat until you ate first

i was a child raising someone else’s child

i would have gouged my eyes to keep you from crying

i am no saint

i am no pacifist

broken fingers, black eyes, fist fights, name calling

and more and more and more and more

two lifetimes of more

words like carbon monoxide suffocating your kids

phone calls, threats, lies

calculating measurements ensuring scar-tissue:

“it’s taking you so long to die…just do it already!”

red and blue flashing lights men in uniform on my porch

love for a girl and a boy while refusing you access

denying you the ability to steer my life

gives justification for an avant garde war of the roses

i have given up on the illusion of sisterhood

i learned you will never ask how i am doing

i learned i don’t need you to ask

i learned my soul can sing and shine

i can laugh from deep inside without worry or shame

when there is no smog or poison wringing all of me

i hope you find a happiness one day

daddy’s last wish was i take care of you

but i have to say goodbye and i can not say hello again

 

 

 

*trigger warning* sunshine on my face

i thought we had been carved of stone

one power, three goddesses

it was a romantic thought

 daydream, a silly wish on a silly star

how could i be a me alone

there was no me-only us

or that is what was whispered in my ear

frantic phone calls, sirens

holidays celebrated under suicide watch

getting  naked, tweaked-out mom into the car

calls from jails

calls from friends

calls from doctors

calls from children

fist fights

broken bones

blood, sweat, guts and tears

promises made then discarded

no honor among the deluded

coming into my home

wearing queer-phobia proudly

like a halston design pill hat

calculating, judging with unearned arrogance

looking as if shit was smeared on your upper lip

repossession of presents and pictures

decades of begging, pleading, bribing, stealing

i am mutilated and monsterous

begging for validation left my knees bleeding

then thaumaturgy! magic realizations:

love is not a chain tethering to ensure outcome

home is not an asylum with fear hiding in shadows

and there is the triple divinity that has always lived inside

me

when i stopped believing in fairy-godmothers

i have seen war

battles declared and victor’s pomp

hand to hand combat and covert mission

under a dense canopy of pecan trees

scarlet nectar splattered on pink rose buds

blood and flesh glimmers in moonlight

hatred tastes like electricity and copper

anger, rage, radical vengeance, frenzy

call forth the morrigan

i have felt my feet stomp on red clay dirt

my body danced havoc to her ancient song

bones snapping and skin peeling

to feel meat between your teeth

the only sounds left in the world

heart beats and cries of pleasure and pain

minutes are days and months are seconds

there is no space or place or time

there is no past there is no future

there is no thought

there is only knowledge

survive

i have stood at the end

but there is no glory and no glamour

i have seen war and never left home

there was no peace treaty in family matters

growing up drunk on ardath street wichita falls, tx

 

i think that is what god must look like

two tiny slivers of moonlight

escaped and hid in the darkest of places

each emerging out tucked safely and soundly

in the blood and the guts of two sisters

the oldest girl named for flowers

drooping buds of beauty on bushes

the younger girl named of aromatic leaves

wove together and sat on the head of royals

both girls able to heal and love and shine

and they did

singing songs as the sunlight hit their eyes

proudly and loudly singing into dreamland

they would dance and whirl and twirl

each owning a fascination with the magically mundane

raindrops, stars, two story houses, glitter and lipstick

a love affair with pencils that gibran couldn’t capture

but nothing stays the same, the ebb and flow

even when you are wrapped in moonlight

everything moves, spins, twists, goes

when the singing stopped and stories started

stories of monsters and evil, depravity, lechery

compassion was pointed in the wrong direction

two girls who would never be girls again

naked, exposed and alone, mask making for survival

when life hands you lemons, you make lemonaid

what the fuck happens when life hands you junk

melt it down and live the only way you can

i hope one day two daughters of the moon

will laugh from deep within and sing off key

twirl until they’re dizzy and dance like no one is watching

when i talk to the celestial sisterhood, begging vehemently

i ask the two be granted something long denied, much deserved

freedom

can’t nobody sing like she can sing

there are times i think about you all

some thoughts are even happy

hindsight and memories are images

photos of once was detailed in gray-scale

i can taste the disappointment and loathing

i recognized it before i knew my own name

cruel and aloof were good times

belts, bruises, brushes, branches

the physical was easy peasy

the mental torture performed with expertise

i was created to capture and secure the paterfamilias

when plans fell through, as they often do

fire scorched the me i was before

childhood burned, a life left in a pile of ash

it’s hard to know what is proper behavior

five stories up walking a tight-rope in a tornado

but i did all that could be done without apology or disguise

i am wretched and ugly and dull

less than human

i wanted to be loved and to love

i missed that lesson

i am quite skilled in the art of bête noire

a prisoner from birth

bound and gagged with familial ties

 

comparing apples and oranges

tiny explosions between lines of genetic information

the baffling reward of love

nothing but a kick in the face

mocking horrors of the past that haunt my dreams

ghosts

screaming

kicking

biting

stomping

cackling laughter

wild

joy and freedom found in secret movies

showing my death

how much hatred and misery

can one person carry inside

cursing and sacrificing your daughter

turning her into you

it’s your only tool to feel less lonely

she just can’t be anymore

jealousy boils like water on the stove

bubbling over with revenge

envy and wrath slammed into my line of vision with no escape

child-like without innocence

clinging to others

unable to live

i can expect anything less from you

the rerun of daytime dramas

forced to throw my youth in the fire

to burn away for your food

eighteen months of calming

synchronized inhale and exhale

carrying your limp body into hospitals after your overdoses

watching you eat used fentanyl patches

shoving fists of pills stolen

no limits

the old man with the hole in his chest, ribs broken

the lover sliced through the abdomen, through the spine

the sister unable to move, the quality of life dead and gone

there is nothing sacred except your appetite and delirium

hundreds of sleepless nights in hospitals and crisis centers

holidays spent in cafeterias surrounded by thorzine droolers

the doctors

the counselors

the therapists

the smell of sickness

oozes constantly in the back of the throat

the river of you pounds against me

i held on until now

my arms are tired

my soul is bruised

this time cut too deep

i have baskets full of broken promises

i have barrels full of lies

demanding the return of christmas presents and pictures

dangling your children like a carrot dangling on a stick

it’s loathsome and desperate

a crime against humanity

for decades we danced to this same song

spinning intensity, ecstatically, neurotically

the last dance done

the band has gone

the music is dead