Dysfunctional Families
the degradation of my sensibilities
erosion of my stone heart
i thought we would hold hands forever
i have fought your demons and monsters
begging and bargaining to keep you safe
processed pressed turkey loaf and instant tea
plastic spoons for everyone’s protection
i walk the memories in the hallway of my mind
i find pictures of who we used to be
the romanticized versions of the you and the me
i have always been able to tell myself lies
i tried to love you sane
i wanted to love you happy
i wished to love you to life
but i am not enough to live for you
i took the belt, the shame, the wrath
when he exploded in blind rage
i wouldn’t eat until you ate first
i was a child raising someone else’s child
i would have gouged my eyes to keep you from crying
i am no saint
i am no pacifist
broken fingers, black eyes, fist fights, name calling
and more and more and more and more
two lifetimes of more
words like carbon monoxide suffocating your kids
phone calls, threats, lies
calculating measurements ensuring scar-tissue:
“it’s taking you so long to die…just do it already!”
red and blue flashing lights men in uniform on my porch
love for a girl and a boy while refusing you access
denying you the ability to steer my life
gives justification for an avant garde war of the roses
i have given up on the illusion of sisterhood
i learned you will never ask how i am doing
i learned i don’t need you to ask
i learned my soul can sing and shine
i can laugh from deep inside without worry or shame
when there is no smog or poison wringing all of me
i hope you find a happiness one day
daddy’s last wish was i take care of you
but i have to say goodbye and i can not say hello again
*trigger warning* sunshine on my face
i thought we had been carved of stone
one power, three goddesses
it was a romantic thought
daydream, a silly wish on a silly star
how could i be a me alone
there was no me-only us
or that is what was whispered in my ear
frantic phone calls, sirens
holidays celebrated under suicide watch
getting naked, tweaked-out mom into the car
calls from jails
calls from friends
calls from doctors
calls from children
fist fights
broken bones
blood, sweat, guts and tears
promises made then discarded
no honor among the deluded
coming into my home
wearing queer-phobia proudly
like a halston design pill hat
calculating, judging with unearned arrogance
looking as if shit was smeared on your upper lip
repossession of presents and pictures
decades of begging, pleading, bribing, stealing
i am mutilated and monsterous
begging for validation left my knees bleeding
then thaumaturgy! magic realizations:
love is not a chain tethering to ensure outcome
home is not an asylum with fear hiding in shadows
and there is the triple divinity that has always lived inside
me
when i stopped believing in fairy-godmothers
i have seen war
battles declared and victor’s pomp
hand to hand combat and covert mission
under a dense canopy of pecan trees
scarlet nectar splattered on pink rose buds
blood and flesh glimmers in moonlight
hatred tastes like electricity and copper
anger, rage, radical vengeance, frenzy
call forth the morrigan
i have felt my feet stomp on red clay dirt
my body danced havoc to her ancient song
bones snapping and skin peeling
to feel meat between your teeth
the only sounds left in the world
heart beats and cries of pleasure and pain
minutes are days and months are seconds
there is no space or place or time
there is no past there is no future
there is no thought
there is only knowledge
survive
i have stood at the end
but there is no glory and no glamour
i have seen war and never left home
there was no peace treaty in family matters
growing up drunk on ardath street wichita falls, tx
i think that is what god must look like
two tiny slivers of moonlight
escaped and hid in the darkest of places
each emerging out tucked safely and soundly
in the blood and the guts of two sisters
the oldest girl named for flowers
drooping buds of beauty on bushes
the younger girl named of aromatic leaves
wove together and sat on the head of royals
both girls able to heal and love and shine
and they did
singing songs as the sunlight hit their eyes
proudly and loudly singing into dreamland
they would dance and whirl and twirl
each owning a fascination with the magically mundane
raindrops, stars, two story houses, glitter and lipstick
a love affair with pencils that gibran couldn’t capture
but nothing stays the same, the ebb and flow
even when you are wrapped in moonlight
everything moves, spins, twists, goes
when the singing stopped and stories started
stories of monsters and evil, depravity, lechery
compassion was pointed in the wrong direction
two girls who would never be girls again
naked, exposed and alone, mask making for survival
when life hands you lemons, you make lemonaid
what the fuck happens when life hands you junk
melt it down and live the only way you can
i hope one day two daughters of the moon
will laugh from deep within and sing off key
twirl until they’re dizzy and dance like no one is watching
when i talk to the celestial sisterhood, begging vehemently
i ask the two be granted something long denied, much deserved
freedom
can’t nobody sing like she can sing
there are times i think about you all
some thoughts are even happy
hindsight and memories are images
photos of once was detailed in gray-scale
i can taste the disappointment and loathing
i recognized it before i knew my own name
cruel and aloof were good times
belts, bruises, brushes, branches
the physical was easy peasy
the mental torture performed with expertise
i was created to capture and secure the paterfamilias
when plans fell through, as they often do
fire scorched the me i was before
childhood burned, a life left in a pile of ash
it’s hard to know what is proper behavior
five stories up walking a tight-rope in a tornado
but i did all that could be done without apology or disguise
i am wretched and ugly and dull
less than human
i wanted to be loved and to love
i missed that lesson
i am quite skilled in the art of bête noire
a prisoner from birth
bound and gagged with familial ties
comparing apples and oranges
tiny explosions between lines of genetic information
the baffling reward of love
nothing but a kick in the face
mocking horrors of the past that haunt my dreams
ghosts
screaming
kicking
biting
stomping
cackling laughter
wild
joy and freedom found in secret movies
showing my death
how much hatred and misery
can one person carry inside
cursing and sacrificing your daughter
turning her into you
it’s your only tool to feel less lonely
she just can’t be anymore
jealousy boils like water on the stove
bubbling over with revenge
envy and wrath slammed into my line of vision with no escape
child-like without innocence
clinging to others
unable to live
i can expect anything less from you
the rerun of daytime dramas
forced to throw my youth in the fire
to burn away for your food
eighteen months of calming
synchronized inhale and exhale
carrying your limp body into hospitals after your overdoses
watching you eat used fentanyl patches
shoving fists of pills stolen
no limits
the old man with the hole in his chest, ribs broken
the lover sliced through the abdomen, through the spine
the sister unable to move, the quality of life dead and gone
there is nothing sacred except your appetite and delirium
hundreds of sleepless nights in hospitals and crisis centers
holidays spent in cafeterias surrounded by thorzine droolers
the doctors
the counselors
the therapists
the smell of sickness
oozes constantly in the back of the throat
the river of you pounds against me
i held on until now
my arms are tired
my soul is bruised
this time cut too deep
i have baskets full of broken promises
i have barrels full of lies
demanding the return of christmas presents and pictures
dangling your children like a carrot dangling on a stick
it’s loathsome and desperate
a crime against humanity
for decades we danced to this same song
spinning intensity, ecstatically, neurotically
the last dance done
the band has gone
the music is dead
dancing madness of a feral gal 